[Rockford35]

Alright, I'm a weirdo. But it's not like anyone here didn't know that already.

I was just sitting on the throne and decided to vent a few things about the can that people should know or want to know.

Rules of the Can

1. When standing next to another gent at the urinal, there is NO SPEAKING OF ANY TYPE. If you're washing your hands, fixing your hair at the sink, then fine. But at no time while you have your hands on your member should you be speaking to another man. This has nothing to do with being a homophobe or the like; it's just the rule.

2. You don't read in the can. Mail, the paper, a magazine, Pringles with the writing on them. You just don't. Think about it. You crap, while reading a magazine, sitting in minutes of your own stench, only to then close up the magazine and wash your hands. So why would you leave the magazine/paper in the bathroom? Just sickening.

3. If there are 4 urinals in a bathroom, and another guy is in #2 urinal, then you take #4. It's common courtesy. If someone comes into the bathroom and takes #3 while you're at #2, consider him the enemy. (Also, see rule #1.)

4. A proper dump should take no more than 2 minutes, tops. Unless you have a medical condition, there's no reason why you should be in there enjoying yourself. It's just not right. There's a reason that we're the top of the heirarchy of species, and smelling your own feces puts you down with chimps and dogs.

5. Never leave a floater. As embarrassing as it is to flush twice, even three times, you do it. Common courtesy.

6. If you piss on the seat, wipe it up. Ladies, I can't stress this enough. I say this because it's not just the men that are jerks with this.

7. Wash your hands. It blows me away the number of people that don't wash their hands after taking a piss or a dump. (*Special note here: Don't eat the jelly beans outside our director's office. I'm not pointing fingers here, just be forewarned....)

8. Farting at a urinal isn't allowed, no matter how fun it may seem. The other guys have no choice but to sit there and wallow in it for another 30 seconds. Have some common sense.

9. Eating lunch in the bathroom is unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.



Thoughts of the Can

- why is it sometimes, you drop a nice bomb, but the next time, you crap like a rabbit? Is that something to do with dehydration? Seriously, what's the deal with crap's consistency?

- I've touched on this in the past, but corn isn't digestable. Don't debate this. If you do, I'll mail you a sample.

- Why does pissing in the bushes feel so right?

- If stranded on a deserted island, and all you had was a coconut or a seashell to wipe with, what do you use? And no, you can't use Wilson...

- Why is it when you're in the stall and a bunch of co-workers come back from lunch, your body chooses this exact moment to expend some unwanted gas just as you are sitting on a porcelin diggery-do?...


These ar emy thoughts. Feel free to critique and add to them. But there are the RULES.

R35