Work Poop Survival Guide

[goatster]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK - We've all been there but don't
like to admit it. As such as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around
the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra
30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a
leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This
is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the
amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who
poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom
somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of
your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize
that you are in the stall and tries to force the door
open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
Bur glar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used
to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a
loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO -COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems
to linger around forever. This person could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an
inevitable part of life.

[jojosasser]

That's hilarious. Man, if I had a dollar for every Turd Burglar I came across...

[Eracer]

Havana Omelets are the worst. LOL!

[SplooGe]

Better watch out with the Astaire, Could get you locked up for soliciting homosexual favors.

[ualtim]

Originally Posted by SplooGe

Better watch out with the Astaire, Could get you locked up for soliciting homosexual favors.

Only at MSP (Minneappolis St.Paul INternational Airport) and if your a Congressman.