Bad Joke Friday II

[DaveE]

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,"How do you stay in
such great physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

" Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's
still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old
golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's
still alive . . . he's a golfer too." "Well," the doctor says,
"that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about
your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfathers still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118
years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting
married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

[ualtim]

Good one DaveE!


This may not qualify as a joke, but it made me smile just the same:

Subject: Overcome Shyness



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Tequila.



Leave Shyness Behind.

[Pa Jayhawk]

I'll try and contribute.

A man comes home from a round of golf to find his wife cleaning. He asks how shes doing, she indicates she is fine although while sorting through his dresser she found 3 golf balls left of a dozen in his dresser drawer and was curious why he left them there.

He felt just a little guilty and decided to come clean. He said I'm sorry to say this, but every time I cheated on you I would have the lady put a golf ball in the dresser to remind me of my unfaithfullness.

She thought for a moment and said "Well, we have been married 25 years, although it upsets me, if you only cheated 3 times in twenty five years then I forgive you and will still love you." She then proceeded to ask if there was anything else she should know.

He indicated that if it made her feel any better, everytime he would get a full dozen he would sell them off down at the pro shop, and that is how he supported his golf game for the last 25 years.

[goatster]

LATEST SCAM - WATTCH OUT!!!!!!









Be careful, guys..............




LATEST SCAM







I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening at the mall. Two good
looking 18 year gals (or so they say) come to your car as you are parking
your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, the other
comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost
coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a
ride to another mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way
they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral sex
on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I couldn't
find them Saturday or Sunday.

BE CAREFUL.

[DaveE]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[SiberianDVM]

On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

How does one of them perform oral sex on you, if they are in the back seat, and you're driving? Something about this story doesn't sound quite right.

P.S. Can you please send directions to your mall?

[IrishGolfer]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.



The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.



On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.



Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.



Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.



Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.



The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.



Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.



With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.



Later the cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.



The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.



He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.



Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.



He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.



I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.



He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.





Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours!



Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."



"Then what," asked a woman.



"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[Augster]

A guy is playing golf by himself. He's trying to decide what to hit on 17 when he hears this soft whisper of a voice in his ear, saying, "Hit the 7-iron!"

And he goes, "What? Who is that?"

Again the voice says, "Hit the 7-iron!"

The guy is kind of scared not to, so he hits the 7-iron. And the thing goes in the hole!

Next hole, the guy says to the voice, "What should I hit here?"

And the voice goes, "Cut the driver around the tree!"

Well, he believes now, so he tries it, gets on the green in one and makes the putt for eagle!

The guy can't believe it! Eagle-Eagle finish! It's the greatest golf day of his life! He says to the voice, "How can I ever thank you?"

And the voice says, "Go to Vegas!"

So the guy jumps in his car and heads straight to Las Vegas. He gets a room and says to the voice, "What do you want me to do now?"

"Go to the roulette wheel," the voice says.

So he gets there and the voice goes, "Place it on 14."

Sure enough, it hits 14 and the guy makes $1000.

"Let it ride on 14," the voice says.

So the guy lets it ride and it hits again! He's up $38,000!

"My God," the guy says. "This is enough to pay off my house!! Thank you so much!!"


"Play it all on 9," the voice says.




"All of it?" The guy says. "But it's so much money!!"



"NINE!"



So he puts it all on 9. And it comes up 23.



And the voice whispers, "Shit."

[goatster]

Originally Posted by SiberianDVM

How does one of them perform oral sex on you, if they are in the back seat, and you're driving? Something about this story doesn't sound quite right.

P.S. Can you please send directions to your mall?

put it in crusie control and she can lean over the seat.

get off exit 45 on I81 in upstate ny.