Couple I thought were funny

[Davebud]

A Day at the Zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."


Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

[DouginGA]

Excellent dave!! love the second one.

the guy finishes his round of golf, gets home and walks right up the wife and and punches her right in the nose. "Been hitting everything fat today" he says.

[DouginGA]

gotta add this one:

The old couple were in their rocking chairs on the front porch gently rocking away. The wife stops, hauls off and slugs the old man so hard it knocks him right out of the chair. He slowly gets back up and starts rocking again, asking his wife “why did you do that, maw?’ “that’s for being such a lousy lay all these years” she replies.

After a few more minutes of rocking he stops and hauls off and slugs the old woman so hard it knocks her right out of the chair. She slowly gets back up and starts rocking again, asking her husband “why did you do that, paw?’ “that’s for knowing the difference” he replies.

[SiberianDVM]

LOL! You guys are killing me!

[Dorkman53]

"My wife left me. I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when
she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute.
I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back."

[DouginGA]

How sad. A bunch of us old divorced guys telling wife bashing jokes LOL. I will be honest, I still miss both of my ex wives. but with practice my aim is getting better.