Home Forum Links Directory Get your product reviewed Golf Shoes Pro Shop Arcade
Go Back   Shot Talk - Golf Forum > Off Topic > No golf for you!
Register Gallery FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
 
iTrader: (0)
#1 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 02:31 PM
token_hottie's Avatar
token_mommy... oops!
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 577
token_hottie is on a distinguished road
Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work ****tail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me at all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan (R35)

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (5)
#2 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 02:35 PM
Rockford35's Avatar
Yes, I am wearing Ecco
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 16,646
Images: 7
Rockford35 is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by token_hottie
Your biggest fan (R35)
WTF?

And who said you could read my diary?

And who said you could tell anyone I had a diary?

I feel violated.

R35
__________________
FT-i Tour N 9.5 Matrix Ozik F6M2
Tour Edge Exotics 3+ Accuflex Evolution S
Tour Edge Exotics 5 Accuflex Evolution S
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 3-PW FST Pro 115
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 56* and 60* FST Pro 115
Odyssey White Hot #2 35"

TLT'd

John "Bravo" Carl Bretz 1955-2008

A donut with no hole, is a danish...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (0)
#3 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 02:39 PM
token_hottie's Avatar
token_mommy... oops!
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 577
token_hottie is on a distinguished road
How'd that get in there?
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (5)
#4 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 02:49 PM
Rockford35's Avatar
Yes, I am wearing Ecco
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 16,646
Images: 7
Rockford35 is on a distinguished road
Uh huh.

That's the last time you spend the night.

R35

PS....I'm gonna need those underwear back, I play hockey in them.
__________________
FT-i Tour N 9.5 Matrix Ozik F6M2
Tour Edge Exotics 3+ Accuflex Evolution S
Tour Edge Exotics 5 Accuflex Evolution S
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 3-PW FST Pro 115
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 56* and 60* FST Pro 115
Odyssey White Hot #2 35"

TLT'd

John "Bravo" Carl Bretz 1955-2008

A donut with no hole, is a danish...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (0)
#5 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 02:57 PM
token_hottie's Avatar
token_mommy... oops!
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 577
token_hottie is on a distinguished road
Did you have another wet dream of me, Rock? How sweet...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (5)
#6 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 02:58 PM
Rockford35's Avatar
Yes, I am wearing Ecco
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 16,646
Images: 7
Rockford35 is on a distinguished road
Nope.

That hasn't happened since I was 25.



R35
__________________
FT-i Tour N 9.5 Matrix Ozik F6M2
Tour Edge Exotics 3+ Accuflex Evolution S
Tour Edge Exotics 5 Accuflex Evolution S
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 3-PW FST Pro 115
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 56* and 60* FST Pro 115
Odyssey White Hot #2 35"

TLT'd

John "Bravo" Carl Bretz 1955-2008

A donut with no hole, is a danish...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (0)
#7 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 04:07 PM
Bravo's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,821
Bravo is on a distinguished road
Another thing that is hard to say when you are really drunk..."Ya know, you are really ugly"...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (5)
#8 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 04:46 PM
Rockford35's Avatar
Yes, I am wearing Ecco
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 16,646
Images: 7
Rockford35 is on a distinguished road
Or "I need to find a toilet instead of these bushes."

R35
__________________
FT-i Tour N 9.5 Matrix Ozik F6M2
Tour Edge Exotics 3+ Accuflex Evolution S
Tour Edge Exotics 5 Accuflex Evolution S
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 3-PW FST Pro 115
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 56* and 60* FST Pro 115
Odyssey White Hot #2 35"

TLT'd

John "Bravo" Carl Bretz 1955-2008

A donut with no hole, is a danish...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (4)
#9 (permalink)  
Old 03-14-2006, 09:43 PM
ezra76's Avatar
I need a new Futon
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 10,387
ezra76 is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by token_hottie
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Here's my usual list of things I'd say the next morning (I quit drinking 5yrs. ago)

1. Who are you?
2. Ouch my arm. Hey when the hell did I get a tatoo?
3. Why is the couch all wet?
4. How much is bail?
5. Where the hell is my truck?
6. I'm not feeling well, can't make it in. Pick up my last check??
__________________
Hello Acushnet

Cobra SpeedPro D 10.5 VS Proto 65-S
TourEdge CB1 13* CompNT 85-S
Titlies 906F4 18.5* VS Proto 80-S
Titleist 704CB 3i-PW
Vokey SM 54*
Vokey SM 60*
Rife 2bar Hybrid
Ogio Vaporlite Stand bag

Hndcp - 10.7 Singles are Coming
Location - Providence, RI
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (0)
#10 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2006, 02:09 AM
Silver's Avatar
I'm a handicap.
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,832
Silver is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by ezra76
Here's my usual list of things I'd say the next morning (I quit drinking 5yrs. ago)

5. Dude, where's my car?


need more letters
__________________
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (3)
#11 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2006, 04:14 AM
mont86's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,186
mont86 is on a distinguished road
I'm starting to think TH and R35 are the same girl.
Ezra very funny!
Reminds me of the guy who came home with vomit all over his shirt so
he left 40 dollars in his pants and the next morning his wife found
his clothes and of course she was mad about the vomit and he said a guy at the bar threw up on him but not to worry, he gave him $20 to take care of the cleaning. His wife said what is the other $20 for and the husband said the same guy crapped my pants too.
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (7)
#12 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2006, 08:49 AM
Eracer's Avatar
RIP Bravo...
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 11,606
Images: 3
Eracer is on a distinguished road
A bartender has just called "last call" when a bum walks into the bar. The bartender says, "sorry chum, but the bar is closed".

The bum says, "that's OK, I just want a fork".

The bartender's a little puzzled, but he feels for the guy, so he gives him the fork, and the bum leaves. A few minutes later, another bum walks into the bar. Same deal - just asks for a fork. The bartender, beginning to wonder what's going on, gives him the fork. A third bum walks in.

The bartender says, "alright, that's enough - no more forks!"

The bum says, "I don't want a fork, I want a spoon".

"The last two bums wanted forks, now you want a spoon! What the heck is going here?"




The bum says, "the other guys got all the chunks..."
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (5)
#13 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2006, 09:14 AM
Rockford35's Avatar
Yes, I am wearing Ecco
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 16,646
Images: 7
Rockford35 is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by mont86
I'm starting to think TH and R35 are the same girl.

Are you classifying me as a "cannon ball"?

Mont, I take offense to that.

R35
__________________
FT-i Tour N 9.5 Matrix Ozik F6M2
Tour Edge Exotics 3+ Accuflex Evolution S
Tour Edge Exotics 5 Accuflex Evolution S
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 3-PW FST Pro 115
Nakashima NP-1 Tour Forged 56* and 60* FST Pro 115
Odyssey White Hot #2 35"

TLT'd

John "Bravo" Carl Bretz 1955-2008

A donut with no hole, is a danish...
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (3)
#14 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2006, 03:19 PM
mont86's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,186
mont86 is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockford35
Are you classifying me as a "cannon ball"?

Mont, I take offense to that.

R35
Ah.. a very pretty cannon ball.
Reply With Quote
 
iTrader: (4)
#15 (permalink)  
Old 03-15-2006, 10:14 PM
ezra76's Avatar
I need a new Futon
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 10,387
ezra76 is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by mont86
His wife said what is the other $20 for and the husband said the same guy crapped my pants too.
The dreaded SHART.
__________________
Hello Acushnet

Cobra SpeedPro D 10.5 VS Proto 65-S
TourEdge CB1 13* CompNT 85-S
Titlies 906F4 18.5* VS Proto 80-S
Titleist 704CB 3i-PW
Vokey SM 54*
Vokey SM 60*
Rife 2bar Hybrid
Ogio Vaporlite Stand bag

Hndcp - 10.7 Singles are Coming
Location - Providence, RI
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Letter to Dear Abby goatster No golf for you! 1 12-24-2007 11:07 AM
Dear Abby theslicegirls Hacker's Anonymous 2 08-24-2007 07:46 AM
Dear EZ ThatCanadianGuy No golf for you! 7 05-02-2007 08:13 PM
Dear Abby letter Dorkman53 No golf for you! 12 03-14-2007 01:30 AM
Dear John Golfbum No golf for you! 3 10-12-2005 11:31 AM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:36 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2008, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.2.0 RC8
Copyright © 2004 -2008 shottalk.com