Dear Alcohol

[token_hottie]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work ****tail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me at all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan (R35)

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[Rockford35]

Originally Posted by token_hottie

Your biggest fan (R35)

WTF?

And who said you could read my diary?

And who said you could tell anyone I had a diary?

I feel violated.

R35

[token_hottie]

How'd that get in there?

[Rockford35]

Uh huh.

That's the last time you spend the night.

R35

PS....I'm gonna need those underwear back, I play hockey in them.

[token_hottie]

Did you have another wet dream of me, Rock? How sweet...

[Rockford35]

Nope.

That hasn't happened since I was 25.



R35

[Bravo]

Another thing that is hard to say when you are really drunk..."Ya know, you are really ugly"...

[Rockford35]

Or "I need to find a toilet instead of these bushes."

R35

[ezra76]

Originally Posted by token_hottie

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Here's my usual list of things I'd say the next morning (I quit drinking 5yrs. ago)

1. Who are you?
2. Ouch my arm. Hey when the hell did I get a tatoo?
3. Why is the couch all wet?
4. How much is bail?
5. Where the hell is my truck?
6. I'm not feeling well, can't make it in. Pick up my last check??

[Silver]

Originally Posted by ezra76

Here's my usual list of things I'd say the next morning (I quit drinking 5yrs. ago)

5. Dude, where's my car?

need more letters

[mont86]

I'm starting to think TH and R35 are the same girl.
Ezra very funny!
Reminds me of the guy who came home with vomit all over his shirt so
he left 40 dollars in his pants and the next morning his wife found
his clothes and of course she was mad about the vomit and he said a guy at the bar threw up on him but not to worry, he gave him $20 to take care of the cleaning. His wife said what is the other $20 for and the husband said the same guy crapped my pants too.

[Eracer]

A bartender has just called "last call" when a bum walks into the bar. The bartender says, "sorry chum, but the bar is closed".

The bum says, "that's OK, I just want a fork".

The bartender's a little puzzled, but he feels for the guy, so he gives him the fork, and the bum leaves. A few minutes later, another bum walks into the bar. Same deal - just asks for a fork. The bartender, beginning to wonder what's going on, gives him the fork. A third bum walks in.

The bartender says, "alright, that's enough - no more forks!"

The bum says, "I don't want a fork, I want a spoon".

"The last two bums wanted forks, now you want a spoon! What the heck is going here?"




The bum says, "the other guys got all the chunks..."

[Rockford35]

Originally Posted by mont86

I'm starting to think TH and R35 are the same girl.

Are you classifying me as a "cannon ball"?

Mont, I take offense to that.

R35

[mont86]

Originally Posted by Rockford35

Are you classifying me as a "cannon ball"?

Mont, I take offense to that.

R35

Ah.. a very pretty cannon ball.

[ezra76]

Originally Posted by mont86

His wife said what is the other $20 for and the husband said the same guy crapped my pants too.

The dreaded SHART.