Bathroom thoughts and rules

[Rockford35]

Alright, I'm a weirdo. But it's not like anyone here didn't know that already.

I was just sitting on the throne and decided to vent a few things about the can that people should know or want to know.

Rules of the Can

1. When standing next to another gent at the urinal, there is NO SPEAKING OF ANY TYPE. If you're washing your hands, fixing your hair at the sink, then fine. But at no time while you have your hands on your member should you be speaking to another man. This has nothing to do with being a homophobe or the like; it's just the rule.

2. You don't read in the can. Mail, the paper, a magazine, Pringles with the writing on them. You just don't. Think about it. You crap, while reading a magazine, sitting in minutes of your own stench, only to then close up the magazine and wash your hands. So why would you leave the magazine/paper in the bathroom? Just sickening.

3. If there are 4 urinals in a bathroom, and another guy is in #2 urinal, then you take #4. It's common courtesy. If someone comes into the bathroom and takes #3 while you're at #2, consider him the enemy. (Also, see rule #1.)

4. A proper dump should take no more than 2 minutes, tops. Unless you have a medical condition, there's no reason why you should be in there enjoying yourself. It's just not right. There's a reason that we're the top of the heirarchy of species, and smelling your own feces puts you down with chimps and dogs.

5. Never leave a floater. As embarrassing as it is to flush twice, even three times, you do it. Common courtesy.

6. If you piss on the seat, wipe it up. Ladies, I can't stress this enough. I say this because it's not just the men that are jerks with this.

7. Wash your hands. It blows me away the number of people that don't wash their hands after taking a piss or a dump. (*Special note here: Don't eat the jelly beans outside our director's office. I'm not pointing fingers here, just be forewarned....)

8. Farting at a urinal isn't allowed, no matter how fun it may seem. The other guys have no choice but to sit there and wallow in it for another 30 seconds. Have some common sense.

9. Eating lunch in the bathroom is unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.



Thoughts of the Can

- why is it sometimes, you drop a nice bomb, but the next time, you crap like a rabbit? Is that something to do with dehydration? Seriously, what's the deal with crap's consistency?

- I've touched on this in the past, but corn isn't digestable. Don't debate this. If you do, I'll mail you a sample.

- Why does pissing in the bushes feel so right?

- If stranded on a deserted island, and all you had was a coconut or a seashell to wipe with, what do you use? And no, you can't use Wilson...

- Why is it when you're in the stall and a bunch of co-workers come back from lunch, your body chooses this exact moment to expend some unwanted gas just as you are sitting on a porcelin diggery-do?...


These ar emy thoughts. Feel free to critique and add to them. But there are the RULES.

R35

[Pa Jayhawk]

Rules of the Can

1. I usually holdiing my pants up with my hands, my member has a mind of its own, in college they would use the sink for option one so as not to hold up the line. So talking really doesn't bother me much, although an "Ass Grab" may change my thoughts on this issue. Also see # 7

2. No better place to catch up on the daily sports, I love bars and restaurants that post the sports page above the urinal. At Sam Sneads you can read about his greatest feats while taking a leak. Nothing like taking a history lesson in the can.

3. I would consider anyone who picks the middle urinal on first choice, while having 2 on the outside to choose from the enemy. I alway liked Jack Nicholson for his "Territory Marking" beliefs on this one.

7. Growing up in schools as an Army Brat, and at the University of Kansas, they teach you not to piss on your hands, already mentioned I am not holding my member. If your not taking a dump and not trying to impress the guy at the sink next to you, why waste the water and paper towels.


9. Eating lunch in the bathroom is unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE.

Don't even want to think about this last one.

[SiberianDVM]

Those may be your rules now, Rock, but after you get married, She Who Must Be Obeyed (referred to as SWMBO in future usage) will have a whole new set of bathroom rules.

Pity the fool.

[EnglishGolfer]

Don't get me started on my OCD relating to hygiene and hand washing!

My last trainee here at work used to take his bacon sandwich and cup of tea into the toilets every morning and we never once saw him wash his hands. What makes it worse is that we only have two cubicles between a factory of forty men so u can imagine how gross they are, I even flush using my foot!

[ezra76]

No literature?? This is something I've started doing recently, must be an after 30 thing. Golf Magazine or the Golfworks catalogue are most common. I have a habit of flushing once after the major eruption and then waiting for the aftershocks. As far as smell... hell, who doesn't like to smell thier own farts??

[bdcrowe]

After venturing into the public restroom at a local department store over the weekend-- new NUMBER ONE:

Proper urinal sequence of events:

Walk into bathroom.
Walk across to urinal.
Then pull it out.
Continue...

Just inside the bathroom door, with the length of the public bathroom yet to be traversed, is not the appropriate place to unmask the old grub worm.

[Rockford35]

Originally Posted by bdcrowe

After venturing into the public restroom at a local department store over the weekend-- new NUMBER ONE:

Proper urinal sequence of events:

Walk into bathroom.
Walk across to urinal.
Then pull it out.
Continue...

Just inside the bathroom door, with the length of the public bathroom yet to be traversed, is not the appropriate place to unmask the old grub worm.

Did you catch some flack for doing it, or....

R35

[bdcrowe]

I know you too well, R.

I saw that coming.

And, it was propositions, not flack.

[DaveE]

What's wrong with the first one?

[Rockford35]

Originally Posted by DaveE

What's wrong with the first one?

Doesn't BD have a pony tail?



R35

[bdcrowe]

She has a better ass than me.

[Rockford35]

But the same size boobs.

It's even money on the oral talents.



R35

[Bravo]

Here are my rules and I'm a bit OCD about #1.

1) When the urge to take a dump strikes and I go into a multi-stall bathroom and someone is already in an adjacent stall dumping - I find another bathroom. I will Not dump next to someone else dumping. I work on the 6th floor of a commercial office building and will walk to the 5th floor in case this occurs.

2) When flushing the urinal - I use my elbow.

3) To raise the toilet seat in preparation for urination into a toilet, I always use my foot. This is a little tricky sometimes in commercial aircraft on a bumpy day.

4) At home, I flush after each usage of paper - just to insure no stoppage of the toilet.

5) At home, all women are strictly trained to Never, ever bother me while on the dump.

6) I never dump without reading material. Never. I will not while away the minutes while watching the walls. This is an unbreakable habit. I will search the house for reading materials if they are not readily available in the bathroom.

[Farquod]

Originally Posted by bdcrowe

Just inside the bathroom door, with the length of the public bathroom yet to be traversed, is not the appropriate place to unmask the old grub worm.

Yah, but the old one-eyed passion python needs some room to breathe, yo! Gotta set nav on the way in....

Hey, DaveE, is the guy in that upper sign smoking a cigarette, or does his nose have a hard on?

[EnglishGolfer]

[quote=Bravo]Here are my rules and I'm a bit OCD about #1.

2) When flushing the urinal - I use my elbow.

3) To raise the toilet seat in preparation for urination into a toilet, I always use my foot. This is a little tricky sometimes in commercial aircraft on a bumpy day.
quote]

My dexterity with my foot is pretty damn awesome now as a result of being odd. I'm not kidding when I say that I open doors, lift the toilet seat, flush and operate the hand dryer all with my right foot/knee. I'm an obsessive freak!