How about a golf joke?

[Libre]

We've heard them all.
Or most of them, anyway.
Do you know one you haven't heard a million times - and you think is pretty good?
I have a few.
If you do, why not add one to this thread.

A guy was out with his caddie and playing horribly. He was hacking up the course all over the place. At one point he was 150 yards out and the caddie handed him a 6 iron, which the guy hit fat and the ball landed way short and in a bunker.
They guy turns to the caddie and says, "You have GOT to be the WORST caddie in the WORLD!"
The caddie says, "I seriously doubt that, sir."
The guy says, "Oh yeah, why is that?"
Caddie says, "Too much coincidence."

[JEFF4i]

That caddy one is probably one of my favorite.

[MGP]

A doctor and his golfing buddies are on the course for their weekly round. As they are waiting to tee off a course marshall drives up and frantically says "Doctor come quick, a woman's been stung by a bee and she's having a very bad reaction!!!"

So the doctor says "Where was she stung?", to which the marshall replies "Between the first and second hole!"

"Hmmmm..." the doctor says, rubbing his chin. "She must have a really wide stance".

[gwlee7]

A threesome is getting ready to tee off when the starter comes up and asks them to let a woman join their group. They look over and she is not bad looking so, after some discussion they agree. After they hit, the woman goes up to the ladies tee and cold tops the ball to about three feet in front of her. She quickly addresses the ball and the same thing happens, she moves the ball about three feet. She swings one more time and thins the ball about thirty yards dead right into the trees. She starts cussing and says "And I just had a f__king lesson with the pro". One of the men replies, "Well, maybe you should have taken a golf lesson instead."

[Greydawg]

An American businessman is over in Scotland and decides to play a round at the Old Course at St. Andrews.
He hires a local caddie and procedes to the first tee.
He hits his drive and slices way right and out of bounds.
As he tees up another ball he asks, "What do you call a Mulligan over here?"
The caddie answers, "We call it hitting three!"

[Libre]

A Scotsman goes into a pro shop and buys 1 ball.
And he hangs on to that ball for 10 years.
He plays every single round with that same ball.
Finally after 10 years it's pretty beat up and he decides to buy a new ball.
He returns to the pro shop and says: "I'm back again."

[PingZing2]

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his privates.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still really hurts."

[tn-golfnut-from-nj]

How about a golf joke?

Come see me play.

[Greydawg]

Originally Posted by tn-golfnut-from-nj

Come see me play.

Just throw Tenn-driver and myself into the equation and we'll draw a bigger crowd than
The Three Stooges!!!!!

[grizzmoose]

An old man in a foursome is getting ready to tee off on number 9. There is a road right off to the left of the fairway. Right as he addresses the ball, a funeral procession passes the foursome. The old man steps away from the ball, takes off his hat and waits for the procession to pass buy. The other three guys comment on how respectful and honorable his actions are. He replies back, "Well, its the least I could do. We were married for 50 years!"

[Bama Duffer]

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually
played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about
evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the
second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked
to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, if you bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

[twogreen]

A guy is playing a round with his wife along for the ride. He comes upon a par 5 with a sharp dogleg left. He knows he can save a stroke by cutting the dogleg. The course was built on land that was once a farm; and there is an old barn still standing right in the path of where he wants to shoot. Both barn doors are open so he decides that he can shoot a low stinger through the barn. He tells his wife to go forward and spot where the ball lands for him after it passes through the barn. Unfortunately, the low screamer he hits catches the wife right in the forehead, killing her immediately.

A few months later he is playing with a friend; and they come upon the same hole. He sees his friend lining up to attempt the same shot through the barn; and tells the friend, "You might want to reconsider that shot; the last time I tried it, I ended up taking a seven".

[chollyred]

Bear Warning!!!

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly Squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper.

[Libre]

That's hilarious!
I'm still laughing.
I saw a grizzly last month in Alaska.
Didn't get close enough to him for him to eat me and my bells, though.

[Johnny Par]

Funny read...


Her Diary

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I had been shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior -- I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.