Peter Allis - Dude of the Month - part 1

[IrishGolfer]

I hope you all know who Peter allis is. He was a bit of a star a few decades ago but unfortunately couldn't putt to save his life. He then went on to commentate, mostly for the BBC. His anecdotes and stories are legendary. Here's an interview I dug out which sorta sums him up. I likke the style of questions. This is taken from the Guardian. Good name for the column, em sorta like Shot Talk, eh?

I expect a similar interview by Kilted Arab, when he interviews Tiger Woods in Dubai in early 2006 on behalf of Shot Talk, OK?

Peter Allis - Man on Golf

Good morning, Mr Allis. How's life?
Fine, thank you. I'm just getting ready to fly over to Augusta for the Masters. I'm taking my wife for the very first time.

Eh? Why's she never been before?
Well she's not a golfer. She understands it and organises a lot of golf days, but she doesn't actually play.

Why not?
One in the family is enough, she says. And I'm quite pleased because if she comes home at night she doesn't tell me how she's played or ask "why am I slicing" or "I don't like Mrs Jones at the club, can you give her a slice?"

But she's looking forward to Augusta, surely?
She is indeed, very much. I haven't told her too much about what to expect though. I'm just hoping the weather's nice and all the flowers are out.
Indeed, women like that sort of thing. Who's going to win the Masters?
Well, the favourite will be Tiger Woods again, and I'd certainly put my money on him. I think he's about 4-1 at present, even though he's supposed to be playing rubbish.

Any dark horses to look out for?
Well it could be far more open this year than in the past. We saw Adam Scott win the Players' Championship last week on a very difficult golf course [Sawgrass], and he won very convincingly, very stylishly. And we keep talking about Ernie Els winning another Major, and Vijay Singh. They've both started the year off well, so who knows?

What's the secret to winning the Masters - just in case Small Talk accidentally enters and needs to learn fast...
Well you'll probably need to be hitting it long and keep the ball in play. You've got to putt well. You've got to have the breaks and you've got to hole putts.

Sounds simple enough...
You really mustn't miss any short putts, Small Talk, otherwise you'll have no chance. But if you can master all that you've got a chance.

Besides Small Talk, can any Brits win it this year?
Well they keep flattering to deceive a bit, don't they. I fear the years are ticking by for Colin Montgomerie, and the youngsters haven't really yet moved up a gear yet - you know, the Justin Roses and Paul Caseys. Padraig Harrington might be the best bet, given how well he played at Sawgrass.

What about Darren Clarke?
Well we often talk about Darren but something always seems to go wrong. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than a British victory, Small Talk, but I'm not convinced it'll happen.

Have we seen the best of Tiger Woods?
No.

Are you sure?
For whatever reason he's just gone off the boil at the moment, but he's still a wonderful talent. It's very difficult to get better and better and better. He will maintain a colossally high standard for as long as he enjoys it and for as long as his nerves remain good, and his nerves certainly appear to be good at the moment. It's just a question of whether he gets bored with the life of permanent security and long lenses.

Yes, it's a hard life all right. So, Masters or The Open?
The Open.

Why?
I just think there's more atmosphere. It's more cosmopolitan, although the American tournaments have improved a lot over the years. There's a lot going against our Open, normally with the weather [chuckles]. It's such potluck. Often it'll rain and blow, otherwise it's dry on certain courses and the ball bounces all over the place. It's a lottery, but I prefer it that way.

It's...
[He's on a roll now] Our Open is a different form of golf, colourful tented villages - it's a bit like Derby day on the Heath at Epsom. The only thing we don't have at the Open are fortune-tellers, but there's still time [laughs].

Have you ever thrown a club into a lake in a fit of pique?
No, not likely.

Snapped one over your thigh in front of the Major?
[Laughs] No bloody fear! My earliest playing contract was when my father managed to get me a set of clubs at cost, less 10%. So we were brought up not to throw things away or break them.

Have you ever scuffed a shot that hasn't even reached the ladies' tee?
No.

Right, well if you could host the Champions' dinner [when the reigning Masters champion invites the former Masters champions to a banquet of his choosing], what would be on the menu?
Ooh, good question.

Thanks.
Well for me, we'd have the shrimps they serve at Muirfield Village to start. A huge bowl of shrimps with Marie Rose sauce, and some wonderful crunchy brown bread. Then it would be roast chicken, with Mother's home-made roast potatoes, broad beans, a little spinach, parsnips and carrots chopped up together and Mother's special gravy.

Eh? What's in Mother's special gravy?
I don't know, but it tastes bloody wonderful! It's certainly not watered down granules, I know that much. And then for pudding it would have to be good old treacle tart or treacle sponge with cream.

Blimey, it's a banquet, all right...
Well it's my choice, isn't it? Then we'd have some wonderful Dolcelatte cheese with digestive biscuits and beautiful celery to finish, accompanied by a drinkable port.

What's your favourite biscuit?
Oh, a chocolate digestive, or a good Garibaldi.

Do you wear slippers, Peter?
I do. I've got four pairs.

Which are your favourites?
They're all favourites, Small Talk.

Like old friends?
Indeed they are. Years ago, I had a pair of those Norwegian slipper-socks which were very comfortable, and then I got sheepskin ones which were also very good. Then, as I got a little bit older, I became a little more extravagant. I used to go out to the garage with the dogs in my slippers - I didn't keep them strictly for the house, which was a mistake really.

They tend to wear out quicker with outdoor use...
They do, yes. You've got to keep house slippers for the house. These days, I've got a rather grand pair, a very handsome soft green velvet pair with a red edging - very Noel Cowardy. I sort of ponce about in those and make sure I wear them if the vicar pops round for tea.

So they're your favourites?
No, no. They're just for a different day, you know, a different mood.

[IrishGolfer]

For some reason I've had to post part 2 separately (sort it out Sling!!)

This is golden....especially the pies and Kylie bits!


Who or what, Peter, would you put in Room 101?
Graffiti. On the train from Farnham into London, you get within five or 10 miles of Waterloo and... [sighs] I don't know how they do it - every bridge is covered in these scribbly marks. It looks bloody awful, so I'd put graffiti artists in there. Or whoever invented the marker pen.

Gladly. What was the last CD you bought?
I'll tell you what it was - oh God, I've forgotten the name of it now... Bear with me, Small Talk, I'll just go and look for it. I'll move through the house and I'll tell you exactly what it was...

[Small Talk can hear the sound of a man scrambling around] I've got so many bloody LPs here. Oh dear, dear, dear, I'm getting old, Small Talk. I can't find it. It was by that blind fellow - the opera singer. [Small Talk asks around and discovers it's Andrea Bocelli] Ah yes, that's the fellow. It's very good indeed.

Do you dig any stuff from the current hit parade, Peter?
Oh yes, yes, yes. I think Madonna's absolutely fantastic. The problem for me is that having been brought up on Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra and Perry Como, it's very hard to get into this [starts rapping] "Walking down the street and a wicky and a-do" - That stuff gets on my arse a bit.

It's rap with a silent C, Peter. So, Kylie or Britney?
Ooh, I think I'd have to go for Kylie. You're being very cheeky there asking me that, Small Talk.

Eh?
I wouldn't mind holding Britney's hand, but I think she's trying to be a bit racy now. With Kylie I get the impression that she wouldn't be too annoyed if you messed her hair up. If you were in the back row of the cinema and you slipped your arm around her she wouldn't say: "Oh no, you've messed my hair up," Britney seems too perfect, but I still think she's bloody good.

How much does a pint of milk cost?
About 80p.

For a pint?!
Ours down here [Surrey] does, in fact it costs more than that now.

You're being fleeced, by the sound of it!
Oh I'm not. We get ours from a farm down the road and it's proper milk.

As in full-fat milk with a thick head?
Yes. You see, I don't like half milk or this homogenised business. A lot of these things are about political correctness, but you're brought up in the time you live in and your opinions are formed. If you were lucky, you had butter, you had the top of the milk, you had a bit of cream, you had meat and eggs and that sort of thing. That was what you longed for until somebody started saying: "It'll kill you!". Then Mr Atkins came along and said "No it won't". So I like proper milk.

What about TV: what's your favourite programme?
That's a difficult one because I like so many. I'm a TV addict and I like to sit down and be entertained. I like everything, from the Antiques Roadshow, Last of the Summer Wine and The Vicar of Dibley, to Bilko to MASH.

A lion fights a tiger. Who would win?
[Sighs] I have a sneaky suspicion the tiger might win because lions really aren't fighters. They're too busy prettying up their manes and standing in front of the mirror - and seeing what bit of crumpet's about. The tiger's leaner and quicker.

Cheese or chocolate?
Both, if possible.

Together?
No, no, certainly not. I do not like processed cheese. I do not like goat's cheese. I like a good crisp cheddar, Dolcelatte, Gorgonzola, those sort of cheeses.

And what sort of chocolate?
I was brought up on Cadbury's. I get all these exotic chocolates from Switzerland and Belgium, Small Talk, but none of them are as good as Cadbury's. I'm a man of simple tastes.

What about booze?
I'm very fond of wine. I like scotch and water, vodka and tonic - there's nothing that puts me off. I like sherry, sweet or dry or medium, I don't care. I just enjoy the flavour.

What about beer or stout?
Well I do like a pint of Guinness - that's beautiful, but I can't do two pints. I get halfway through the second pint and I can't drink any more. I like an occasional pint of bitter or lager, but not too often.

Have you ever drunk so much sherry that you've forgotten your wife's name?
No, I've never got into that sort of state.

Bah! Much of a pie fan, Peter?
Oh Christ, yes! Pork pies, oh yes [sounds excited]. There was a programme the other night about a firm in Leicestershire - one of the great pie-makers. It looked wonderful. I love pork pies, piccalilli, fresh tomatoes out of the garden, a really nice crunchy bit of lettuce and one of those wonderful crunchy rolls. And a bottle of dry white wine would slip down a treat.

Tea or coffee, Peter?
Neither. I've given up both of them now.

Why?
I just have, I'd have tea in the morning and coffee later on in the day. My father always said "never drink whisky before six o'clock at night. Anybody who does has a drink problem".

[Small Talk coughs nervously]
The old man had some queer ideas. I've met about four people in my life who have drunk whisky at lunchtime, and because of my formative years it always looked strange to me. I'd think "Christ, he's drinking whiskey - now that's a big boy's drink". That's why I like champagne, and preferably Bollinger. Champagne should be drunk between 10.30am and 2pm. It's very much a morning drink to me.

Much like Tin, then. Finally, where are you off to now?
Well, when I put the phone down, I'll reflect on the fact I've just spoken to a very nice, polite young man, then I'll go back to finishing off the third edition of my autobiography. It's out in September, I think, published by Hodder and Stoughton.

Hmm, well plugged. Bye.
Thank you very much, Small Talk. Bye.

[IrishGolfer]

From another interview here's a priceless one...

In my playing days, a group of us led by the devious Hugh Lewis invented a game called "Noddy is hidden." A noddy is a condom, and the object of the game was to unleash it on the victim in a way that would cause the greatest embarrassment possible. At a cocktail party, pro-am dinner or even during a tournament, if the cry "Noddy is hidden!" went out, you had best be on your guard.

One fellow, just introduced on the first tee, removed the cover from his driver and found noddy stretched over his wooden clubhead. Another found noddy placed in the sun visor of the family automobile, which caused him--and his wife--great consternation. They put one in my golf glove once; it fell out in view of spectators and brought me almost to tears with humiliation. That was when I decided to exact my revenge.

Weeks later, at a large house party for the mayor of Altringham, Hugh Lewis was entertaining a group of people that included the mayor's wife. I offered to refill their glasses of gin. I padded into the kitchen and emerged moments later with their beverages, brimming with gin, lemon slices and fresh ice cubes.

I handed one to the mayor's wife. Slowly, the warmth of her hand melted the ice. I watched and waited until the bottom cube was almost melted, then leaned into Hugh's ear and hissed, "Noddy is hidden!" At that very moment the noddy floated to the top of the glass belonging to the wife, freed at last after I'd placed it in the ice tray hours before. Hugh was mortified. He snatched it from her hand before she saw what was in her glass, but the roars of the other guests, combined with the expression of horror and disbelief on Hugh's face, is something I will treasure all my days. We decided that night to cancel the game "Noddy is hidden" forever, lest one night we wind up in jail.


GOLDEN!!!!

[bdcrowe]

Here, here, and well done, sir. One more game to try and get fired from my cushy, corporate job.

Again, weel done, IG.

[Kilted Arab]

I remember a comment from Allis during The Open in, I think, 2000,

He was watching some golfer drink a bottle of water and said something like:

"Ah..the old mineral water...they all drink that now. And bananas, you see a lot of bananas. I had a bottle of mineral water once. Fascinating reading the label. 'Filtered for millenia through porous rocks to produce the utmost purity - water melted from glaciers, thousands of years old'. Had an expiry date of August 2000. Clever chaps, obviously bottled it just in time".

The timing and delivery were perfect.

[IrishGolfer]

Originally Posted by IrishGolfer

I expect a similar interview by Kilted Arab, when he interviews Tiger Woods in Dubai in early 2006 on behalf of Shot Talk, OK?

Here's some questions for your Tiger interview:

"What's the worst shot you have ever hit, EVER!"

"When you were three, did you ever think you weren't gonna make it on tour?"

and once you have him in your confidence, you can ask...

"Ever played golf naked? How about Mrs. Woods?"

"So Tiger, have you ever putted from the rough?"

"Hmm. interesting thought Tiger, but tell me this. Have you ever had occasion to drink your own urine?"

"What was the real deal between you and Butch, who was 'the Daddy'?"

[Andy_79]

Peter Alias is a LEGEND ! :d

[SiberianDVM]

What in the hell is a "chocolate digestive biscuit"?

[Scotty01292]

Originally Posted by SiberianDVM

What in the hell is a "chocolate digestive biscuit"?

A plain biscuit with chocolate on top. It's British I think.

[Bravo]

Originally Posted by IrishGolfer

From another interview here's a priceless one...

In my playing days, a group of us led by the devious Hugh Lewis invented a game called "Noddy is hidden." A noddy is a condom, and the object of the game was to unleash it on the victim in a way that would cause the greatest embarrassment possible. At a cocktail party, pro-am dinner or even during a tournament, if the cry "Noddy is hidden!" went out, you had best be on your guard.

One fellow, just introduced on the first tee, removed the cover from his driver and found noddy stretched over his wooden clubhead. Another found noddy placed in the sun visor of the family automobile, which caused him--and his wife--great consternation. They put one in my golf glove once; it fell out in view of spectators and brought me almost to tears with humiliation. That was when I decided to exact my revenge.

Weeks later, at a large house party for the mayor of Altringham, Hugh Lewis was entertaining a group of people that included the mayor's wife. I offered to refill their glasses of gin. I padded into the kitchen and emerged moments later with their beverages, brimming with gin, lemon slices and fresh ice cubes.

I handed one to the mayor's wife. Slowly, the warmth of her hand melted the ice. I watched and waited until the bottom cube was almost melted, then leaned into Hugh's ear and hissed, "Noddy is hidden!" At that very moment the noddy floated to the top of the glass belonging to the wife, freed at last after I'd placed it in the ice tray hours before. Hugh was mortified. He snatched it from her hand before she saw what was in her glass, but the roars of the other guests, combined with the expression of horror and disbelief on Hugh's face, is something I will treasure all my days. We decided that night to cancel the game "Noddy is hidden" forever, lest one night we wind up in jail.


GOLDEN!!!!

This is priceless....

One of my best friends got married and the groomsmen loaded up with condoms. Each of us put about 25 in our right jacket pocket.

As we shook hands with various family members (including grandmothers) we passed a condom along during the handshake. Everyone - save the wee ones - received a fresh condom during the handshake.

The mothers were positively mortified.

Each grandmother threw her head back in laughter.

Thanks for the interviews with Aliss. More questions to follow....

[Man from the Ministry]

Lets not forget the Chocolate Hob Nob. A bit like the digestive only crunchier. They're British too.