Jokes

[warbirdlover]

Play It Where It Lies
Two longtime golf buddies arrive at the course one day and decide that today they would play the ball where it lies, no matter what. On the 14th hole, one of them slices his ball and it ends up on the cart path. As he reaches down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend says: “Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!”

He tries to explain that the rules of golf allow for relief, but the second fellow would have none of it. Finally, in disgust, the man goes to the cart and grabs a club. Standing near his ball, he takes a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop — two inches from the cup. “Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” The man answered with a wry smile, “Your 7-iron!”

[Davebud]

Excellent, what are friends for huh?

[David B]

Here's one I found with a bit of searching:

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[dave.]

King Harolds last words;

'Watch him,he'll have some fvckers eye out'

[David B]

I found another one, though I rewrote it because the original didn't flow that well:

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are out golfing one day, and when they step up to the first tee box, a par-3, they notice that the green is well-protected on its right side by a large water hazard.

Moses is the first to tee off, and hits a wicked slice right into the pond. Perplexed, but not angry, he walks over to the edge of the pond, raises his pitching wedge over his head, parts the water, and chips his ball out of the muck onto the green.

Jesus tees off next, and though he hits the green, his ball rolls off the edge into the water. With confidence, he walks over to the pond, takes a few steps out onto the water, and proceeds to chip his ball off the water's surface to put himself six inches away from the cup.

The old man, seeing how well the other two are playing, gets a bit nervous, and proceeds to shank his ball directly toward the pond.

At the very last second before his ball enters the water, a catfish breaks the water's surface and catches the ball in his mouth. A split-second later, an osprey swoops down and drags the wriggling fish from the water, heading out over the green.

Suddenly, a lightning bolt narrowly misses the osprey, startling it and causing it to drop the fish. With a loud 'plop', the fish hits the green and spits the ball right into the hole, for a hole-in-one.

As the old man walks up to the green with an enormous grin on his face, he's met with angry stares from the two other players. Jesus turns to the old man and says: "Dad, if you don't start playing fair, we're not going to bring you next time."

I don't know what it is with religious jokes and golf...