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8 Naff Golf Cliches

Discussion in 'Golf News' started by Dogfish Head, Sep 27, 2013.

  1. Dogfish Head

    Dogfish Head Well-Known Member TEA is my HERO

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    Admin Post
    By Kevin Markham
    Copyright © Kevin Markham. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

    GOLF HAS MORE CLICHES THAN YOU can shake a stick at. Some are naff, some are incredibly naff. Here are my top eight.

    [​IMG]
    Beware if all 14 see action. (Kevin Markham)​
    1. You'll use every club in the bag.
    Used to describe a golf course. If you're rubbish then yes, you'll probably use every club in your bag ... and a shovel. If you're any good, you will be too focused to notice.​
    Naffness: 9/10

    2. I left a few putts out there.
    Ah, no you didn't. You finished every hole and you're standing here with a golf ball in your hand. Where did you leave the putts would you mind telling me?
    Naffness: 7/10

    3. Overall, I'm very happy with the way I played.
    "Overall" is it! In other words, you're about to gripe about a couple of missed putts or a tree that jumped into the fairway ... which prevented you from, what, breaking 60?
    Naffness: 6/10

    4. I just wasn't able to play my game today.
    Seriously! And whose game were you playing exactly!
    Naffness: 7/10

    5. It's on the dance floor.
    No it's not. If it's on the 'dance floor' then you're in serious trouble and you'll be paying damages for the broken window.
    Naffness: 7/10

    6. Shaved the hole.
    I'm not even going to go there. If you call missing the hole by six inches 'shaving' then you need glasses and a better barber.
    Naffness: 9/10

    [​IMG]
    90% air? (Kevin Markham)​
    7. Trees are 90% air.
    You know and I know that if the ball's heading for a tree then it's hitting woodwork. Maybe it's Murphy's Law, Sod's Law or Darwin's Theory of Evolution, but trees were designed to be hazards on a golf course and they're damn good at doing their job. 90% air, my arse.
    Naffness: 10/10

    8. Keep your head down. You lifted your head.
    The king of erroneous advice. It's the fallback, isn't it? Somebody fluffs a shot and someone else quips: 'you lifted your head'. I guess my response to that is: for exactly how long do you want me to keep my head down? Surely I have to come up for air sometime. Never give advice. Ever. Or someone else might start giving it to you.
    Naffness: 9/10

    Your turn. What are your best or worst golf cliches?

    Kevin Markham is the author of Hooked: An Amateur's Guide to the Golf Courses of Ireland and writes about Irish golf courses and related topics at his blog.
    [​IMG]

    Source: 8 Naff Golf Cliches
     
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  2. TEA Time

    TEA Time Grumpy Gilmore Staff Member Admin

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    Wow. Two things about that article:

    1) I had to look up "naff."
    2) That guy has issues.
     
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  3. Fairwaysplitter3320

    Fairwaysplitter3320 Recovering Equipment Ho...off the wagon again. Staff Member Admin

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    Damn Brits and their rubbish words but good article. Bollocks!
     
  4. eclark53520

    eclark53520 DB Member Extraordinaire Supporting Member

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    This guy has an affection for the literal.
     
  5. TEA Time

    TEA Time Grumpy Gilmore Staff Member Admin

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    affection for the literal = "issues." ;)
     
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  6. limpalong

    limpalong Mental Ward Escapee Supporting Member

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    #9: "You guys talked during my swing!" Well, it's difficult to know just when you're going to swing when you take 10 practice swings. If we were all quiet and watched each practice swing, we'd be hypnotized.
    #10: "Wow! I really smoothed that one!" Yep! Nice smoothed 5-iron from 140 yards... your 4th stroke on this par 4 and you still came up 10 yards short. Have you thought about buying some ladies clubs?
    #11: "Let the big dog eat!" Your 'big dog' has been about the size of a chihuahua today. And, they haven't been as far in the air as a chihuahua is tall. Maybe if you could make solid contact... once... you might graduate to a rat terrier.
    #12: "Had this new driver fitted to my swing. I'm killin' it!" If someone fit you for that, he needs it stuck where the sun don't shine. The only thing you're "killin'" with it are the poor trees you are ricocheting off of way out in the woods.
     
  7. warbirdlover

    warbirdlover Ender of all threads Supporting Member

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    Good ones limp! I'm brain dead right now. Can't think of a one.
     
  8. kevin markham

    kevin markham Irish golfer

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    Yes, but I usually keep them under control - just not on the golf course.
     
  9. kevin markham

    kevin markham Irish golfer

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    Hmmm, Fairwaysplitter3320, you won't be welcomed in Ireland if you call us 'Brits'. You Canadians you!
     
  10. Fairwaysplitter3320

    Fairwaysplitter3320 Recovering Equipment Ho...off the wagon again. Staff Member Admin

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    My
    My apologies, didn't realize you were Irish, the article says you are an author and wrote a book about Irish courses. ;)
     
  11. TEA Time

    TEA Time Grumpy Gilmore Staff Member Admin

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    Haha! What's funny is that Americans would be more welcomed in other countries if they thought we were Canadian. :D
     
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  12. kevin markham

    kevin markham Irish golfer

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    No sweat. I was constantly mistaken for a Brit during my travels around Ireland - made me irritable!
     
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  13. Fairwaysplitter3320

    Fairwaysplitter3320 Recovering Equipment Ho...off the wagon again. Staff Member Admin

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    lol
     
  14. azgreg

    azgreg "Don't count that." Supporting Member

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    Yea, you Brits are always getting cranky.
     
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  15. MarkFed

    MarkFed Active Member

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    7. Trees are 90% air.

    So aren't screen doors:)



     
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  16. BigJim13

    BigJim13 Well-Known Member Staff Member Moderator

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    What's the difference? ;)
     
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  17. MarkFed

    MarkFed Active Member

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    #13 When you hear "good distance" after making a putt, what they really mean is your aim sucks
     
  18. anonymous golfaholic

    anonymous golfaholic Refusing Recovery Supporting Member

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    And vise versa when someone says, "well, you had a good line".
     
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