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A message from John Cleese.

Eracer

No more triple bogies!!
Oct 31, 2005
12,405
8
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories except Kansas, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

4. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

5. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

6. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). And while you're at it, take a moment to discover the difference between "lose" and "loose" - you may lose your wallet, in which you had loose change.

7. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

8. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

9. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. The Former USA will adopt prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

11. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French Fries' are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling 'Potato Chips' are properly called 'Crisps'. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Cat's Urine', so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

13. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

14. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of pansies). On second thought, don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

17. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

18. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.
 

zaphod

Well-Known Member
Jan 30, 2007
2,160
0

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

If I told John Cleese then I would have to kill him.


Where did you get this. Its too funny:)
 
OP
Eracer

Eracer

No more triple bogies!!
Oct 31, 2005
12,405
8
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
  • #3
If I told John Cleese then I would have to kill him.


Where did you get this. Its too funny:)

A friend e-mailed it. I don't know what the source was...:(
 

BigJim13

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Moderator
Aug 13, 2006
11,838
3,154
7. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

Priceless, I feel like beating my head against the wall like every like time I like hear someone you know like talking like this. Wowo that was tough.

One thing though, don't take away my 4th of July barbecue, thats when we can show you Brits what being American is all about
icon10.gif
 

SiberianDVM

I love Hooters
Moderator
Jul 25, 2005
8,773
1,526
Augusta, GA
Country
United States United States
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately

Our failure to nominate competent candidates has been more than nullified by the failure of the British monarchy to take Prince Charles out of the line of succession. If you think we will put up with that jug-eared twit (anyone who kicked Diana out of bed in exchange for Camella has to be a twit) being King, then we'll just have to fight the War of Independence all over again.

:D
 
OP
Eracer

Eracer

No more triple bogies!!
Oct 31, 2005
12,405
8
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
  • #8
Our failure to nominate competent candidates has been more than nullified by the failure of the British monarchy to take Prince Charles out of the line of succession. If you think we will put up with that jug-eared twit (anyone who kicked Diana out of bed in exchange for Camella has to be a twit) being King, then we'll just have to fight the War of Independence all over again.

:D
Good point.
 

mddubya

Hybrid convert
Nov 6, 2007
6,029
2
3. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

4. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

I think I speak for most Americans when I say, and I quote," you can have my guns when you you pry them from my cold dead fingers ", :laugh:

I know it was a joke, but I couldn't resist that one. And it is funny!
 

Pa Jayhawk

Well-Known Member
Nov 15, 2005
7,101
4
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories except Kansas, which she does not fancy.
Move back to Kansas, or suffer the consequences? Tough call

American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Cat's Urine', so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
I always use the term "River water" or for Coors products "Rocky Mountain Piss water", but I could live with the term 'Near-Frozen Cat's Urine', seems fitting enough.

Great clip!!!
 

cwo2lt

Mulligans-R-Us
Nov 6, 2007
422
0
So we'll be a British territory again? Does that mean the border with Cananda will be gone and we can come and go as we please?

Good! Because I hate my job. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!

With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!
 

warbirdlover

Ender of all threads
Supporting Member
Jul 9, 2005
18,802
5,425
central Wisconsin
Country
United States United States
"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. I sleeps all night and I works all day..."

:laugh:

Oh heck, here's the whole song for you....

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!...

[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
 

SiberianDVM

I love Hooters
Moderator
Jul 25, 2005
8,773
1,526
Augusta, GA
Country
United States United States
It would be worth driving to The Frozen North just to hear warbirdlover and his buds sing that live.

Do you guys do that a capella or do you have accompaniment?

:biglol:
 

warbirdlover

Ender of all threads
Supporting Member
Jul 9, 2005
18,802
5,425
central Wisconsin
Country
United States United States
Actually you'd have to keep going north to Canada where R35 and LyleG would sing it and have the actual mounties in the background role. :)
 

Sandy

Well-Known Member
Aug 29, 2006
907
0
Slightly related to this, if any of you are Monty Python fans than I can very heartily recommend the book my wife got me for Xmas this year:

Michael Palin - Diaries, 1969 to 1979: The Python Years

Absolutely fascinating, starting with the early years of Python (but sadly missing a lot of detail, which he explains in the book) but very full when it gets into the second series, the later series, the films they made and the controversy that followed them, their 'break' in America, the spin-offs they all made individually (Ripping Yarns, Fawlty Towers, Jabberwocky, The Rutles, etc) and some really interesting insights into things like the early years of Saturday Night Live, how the BBC works, even the lifestyle of George Harrison.

For anyone interested in that era and classic comedy, this book is an eye-opening, question-answering delight!
 

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