Bad Joke Friday

[DaveE]

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some Polish sausage.

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you some things: If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well no." "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't." With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

 

[Bravo]

This is not a bad joke at all.

I actually LOL'ed!!

Maybe I will tell this one to my beautiful, divorced, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Polish neighbor across the street...

 

[Rockford35]

Maybe I will tell this one to my beautiful, divorced, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Polish neighbor across the street...

I'm sure he'll love it, B. :biglol:

R35

 

[DaveE]

Since you liked the first one....

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. The doctor enters the examination room and says to the man, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."

 

[Big Brother Dunk]

Joke #1 -


Joke #2 -

 

[VtDivot]

Here's one you can tell your kids...


Newfie is driving to town when he comes across a broken down refrigerated truck at the side of the road. Being the good natured helpful guy that he is, he stops and offers to help.

Newf - "Can I give you a hand there?"

Stranger - "Nah the radiator is blown, I need to wait here for someone to come pick me up and haul the truck into town"

Newf - "You sure I can't help you with anything?"

Stranger - "Actually you can. I was supposed to take the 12 penguins that are in the back of this truck to the City zoo. Here's 100 bucks for your trouble, can you take them for me?"

Newf - "Sure no problem!"

So the newfie loads the penguins into his pickup and takes off towards town. Several hours later the stranger is in a coffee shop awaiting replacement parts for his truck when he spots the Newfie parading up the street with a dozen penguins following behind him. The stranger is outraged and runs out to stop the Newfie.

Stranger - "Hey!!! I thought I gave you 100 bucks to take those damned penguins to the zoo?!?!?!?"

Newfie - "Oh I did, I had some money left over, so we're going to catch a movie!"

 

[Wheelerm]

got to say i liked the first, and sort of liked the second, nice one's

 

[DaveE]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive.

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that .Number 1 -
you have to be single and Number 2 - you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

 

[Silver]

Haha, that's awesome Dave! Quality!

I'd say that one, then the penguins, then the underwear, then the sausage.

 

[DaveE]

The Perfect Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints.

The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

 

[IrishGolfer]

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. The doctor enters the examination room and says to the man, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR."

My wife would laugh at this one alright! NOT!

 

[SilverBullet]

A priest and a nun decide to go golfing one day. For a while, the two enjoy their round peacefully, but on the 3rd hole green, the priest misses an easy putt and yells out, "Shit! I missed!" The nun turns to him and says, "Father please don’t swear!" He grumbles under his breath and returns to the game.

When they reach the next green, the priest is in the same position and misses the putt once again, he then yells out, "Shit! I missed!" Once again the nun says, "Please Father, don’t swear like that!" He then grumbles under his breath and they resume playing.

On the next hole, they make it to the green, and once again the priest misses his easy putt and shouts "Shit! I missed!" At this point the nun says, "Father, if you don’t stop swearing, then God will strike you dead!"
They then continue to the next hole, and for the fourth time, the priest misses a simple putt on the green, he yells, "Shit! I missed!"

Then the sky darkened, the wind picked up, hail fell from the clouds and pummeled the earth, then God himself appeared in the sky and unleashed a thunderbolt which struck the nun and killed her, the the Almighty turned his face upward and said, "SHIT! I MISSED!"

 

[DaveE]

Good one SB.

 

[longiron]

A man and his wife a playing golf on there favorite course on there favorite hole. She tees off and hits this great shot right down the middle, then he gets up and hits this big ugly slice. They go and find his ball and it is right in front of this big barn. He is looking around trying to figure out how to hit his next shot when she speaks up and says "why dont you just open both the barn doors and hit your ball through". He thinks for a second and say the hell with it and tries it. The ball flies through the first door and SMACK hits the second door the ball comes flying out of the barn and hit his wife right in the head and she falls over dead.

One year later he is on the same course, on the same hole with his new girlfriend and hit the same ugly slice infront of the same barn. As he is looking around to see how to hit his next shot she say "why dont you just open both barn doors and hit it through." He looks at her and says nah i cant do that the last time i tried it i got a 7.

Sorry

 

[Benguk]

Ok ill admit the second one sucked

The first one was one where I laughed on the inside.