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Golf theory


Well-Known Member
May 23, 2005
There are many theories in golf; swing theories of all kinds, course managment, gripping the club, etc. There are also many ways to mentally improve one's game (although I know none of them) through sports psychologists, breathing exercises and whatnot.

But my favorite theory is my own. It's called the 2.5 Beer Window Theory. I'm a hack of the worst variety but I've played so many times that through careful observation, using all four methods of the scientific method, I have found that 2.5 beers is the best way I know to improve my own game. One isn't enough, two gets you there, and about halfway through the second my game improves tremendously. I'm relaxed, in a good mood, and very confident. And this lasts until around the end of the fifth beer. There's that window between the second beer and the 5th that allows for better golf.

Unfortunately, there's a corollary to the 2.5 Beer Window theory and this is the Golf Gremlin Provision. There are special little gremlin creatures that inhabit the bodies of hackers like myself. I haven't physically seen them, but oh yeah, they're there.

I believe that the Gremlins are pacified and calmed by a small number of beers. For a time they forget to haunt and taunt a golfer. But somewhere around the 6th beer, they realize there's a party going on and the toga oufits are donned. They then become more obnoxious and imaginitave then ever and they can make a weaker man actually commit the grave sin of imitating Adam Sandler's swing from Happy Gilmore.
By the tenth beer, the gremlins make balding middle age men suddenly realize that the hot looking brunette with the oversize chest and tan legs driving the beverage cart really does like them and wants to engage in extended conversation with them while the rest of the group is doing it's gremlin infested level best to tee off and not fall down.

By the time one reaches the end of the 11th beer, hopefully the game is almost complete. I call this the "Let's go to the club house and call your wife for a ride home" phase of the game which dovetails nicely with the "How 'bout we just have a couple at the Nineteenth hole before we call her though?"

On the vast majority of occasions we don't reach this level of alcohol consumption, but most of us have seen the guy turn a sharp corner in a cart too fast while empty beer cans tumble out of the basket behind the seat while his partner holds on for dear life and they're both smiling like dopes. And most of us can say "Heh, I've been there before".

I've also experimented with the "Let's kill a pitcher before we start the round" idea before. But that was in Vegas so it's okay. Nevertheless, it's nothing I would recommend.


Supporting Member
Apr 16, 2005
I picked up my Jeep at the golf course yesterday after a saturday round, so I know your pain :)

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