Teen to Parent Ethics question (golf related)

[Youngun5]

ok, i'm a teen (16), and am playing h.s. golf for newcomers on this board, i'm only a sophomore but i've had enough experiences with my parents or grandparents coming to a tournament of mine and frankly i will say i always do much worse when they are there, I think they are kind of getting the drift, but i still feel bad when i tell them not to come, one case in particular, and if you all know, my regionals this year are being held at the course i spent all summer playing, and i feel that i have an excellent chance at qualifying for state and my gmpa, apparently was set on going to that one but i told him not to and i really think it hurt him some, but this is the one real tournament i wanted to play this year, did i do the right thing?

should i just suck it up and start letting people come, b/c i mean they pay for my golf, some of my equipment, give me rides etc...

i'm really kinda down in the dumps about this one

 

[bdcrowe]

ok, i'm a teen (16), and am playing h.s. golf for newcomers on this board, i'm only a sophomore but i've had enough experiences with my parents or grandparents coming to a tournament of mine and frankly i will say i always do much worse when they are there, I think they are kind of getting the drift, but i still feel bad when i tell them not to come, one case in particular, and if you all know, my regionals this year are being held at the course i spent all summer playing, and i feel that i have an excellent chance at qualifying for state and my gmpa, apparently was set on going to that one but i told him not to and i really think it hurt him some, but this is the one real tournament i wanted to play this year, did i do the right thing?

should i just suck it up and start letting people come, b/c i mean they pay for my golf, some of my equipment, give me rides etc...

i'm really kinda down in the dumps about this one

I would explain the above to gramps and let him know it isn't personal. I'd also work on the mental aspect of my game so that external things such as this didn't have such an impact on my performance. When you play, it should be you and the course. Period. I know that's easy to say, but it's true. If you are to the point of playing tournaments, you should be to the point that you can deal with whatever pressure creeps in on you.

As a parent, I can tell you how I see it: I am proud of my kids' efforts in ALL of their endeavors, no matter the outcome. Unless one of my kids starts throwing clubs, or throwing a tantrum at second base, (you get the idea), then their finish doesn't effect how proud I am of them. Personally, I think that allowing your family to attend will help everyone involved, YG. It will let your family know that you value them. It will help you learn to deal with distractions on the course. And, no matter the outcome, it will show your positive points to them. If you win or place well, it gives them the opportunity to see you playing at your finest. If you play miserably, it gives them the chance to see your grace and character-- again, giving them the chance to see you at your finest.

Part of maturing is gaining the ability to see things from other peoples' perspectives. Once you do this and see things from family's perspective, it may help you alot. Once you respect that it's important to them attend, you'll grow through it. And further, once you see that they don't care as much about "results" as they do seeing the character this fine game is instilling in their "pride and joy", it'll help you see that the hang-up is yours and not their.

OR----- If they are psycho-sports-parents that push you or scream at the officials, ditch 'em.

(Hope I don't sound too parenty. ) Good luck in the tourney.

 

[Quentin]

If you want to be good, you need to learn to play with distractions. I would toughen up mentally and let anyone come. If you can figure out how to play through that, it will improve your game on a whole new level.

~QQ

 

[longiron]

I never played golf competitevely but i did play other sports, i tried to stay in the game by not worring about who was there or what the game was for. It sound like you need to work on your mental game right now. I have a thought on how all could be happy. Get a ride with a buddy, let them come but not talk to you or let you know they are there untile after your round.

 

[Bravo]

YG:

I agree with the posters above. This to a great extent is not about family members watching you - it is about you being able to handle pressure. You want to please your parents and grandparents, you want them to feel proud of you - this is normal and the sign of a good relationship. You feel that if you play well while they watch, they will be proud(er) of you than if you do not play well.

This is not how they feel. They are going to be proud of you regardless of how you Score. The only thing that will make them upset is if you show bad sportsmanship. So get it out of your mind that you are going to make them prouder if you score low while they are watching.

You need to make a Breakthrough. And that Breakthrough is playing well in front of your family. The way for you to breakthrough this wall is to continue to confront it. In golf, you are playing against yourself and you must defeat yourself. And the way for you to defeat this - is to confront it head on.

I would request firmly that a family member attend All my matches and tell myself that I am going to breakthrough this wall. It is going to happen sooner or later!!

Once you breakthrough that wall - it will give you the confidence you will need later to steel yourself in difficult situations. You will think back to that round where you Finally played well in front of gramps or mom and that will tell you "I can do it".

Good luck....

 

[Dave Ireland]

I remember seeing a documentary one time about Nick Boliteri's (sp?) Tennis academy in Florida (I think). One aspect of tuition the kids hadta undergo was unruly crowd behaviour .... so they had some young guy serving with a crescendo off catcalls, barricking, booing going on all round him, so this was conditioned mind training for the big stage.

 

[IrishGolfer]

I remember seeing a documentary one time about Nick Boliteri's (sp?) Tennis academy in Florida (I think). One aspect of tuition the kids hadta undergo was unruly crowd behaviour .... so they had some young guy serving with a crescendo off catcalls, barricking, booing going on all round him, so this was conditioned mind training for the big stage.

It will be a bit like that everytime you step up to hit a ball come Monday Dave. You still on?

My advice is this YG. I would have loved my mum and dad to have taken an interest in my limited golfing career, but sadly they neither had the time or energy to really follow it. My dad was interested, he was just working all the time. So look at the positives.

There are plenty of people out there wanting you to fail. These guys are on your side, use their energy positively. TW plays better when his mum and dad are there. No reason why you can't channel that same effect, unless they are hard pressing you over every shot.

Talk it through with them, especially your grandad. Explain that you find it tough, but encourage them to know when and where to talk to you.

They guys are right. If this is going to be a problem for you, then sadly you will never fulfill your potential, as there will be a long list of other mental baggage that will get you further down the road.

My 2c. Good luck.

 

[DaveE]

YG, the fact that you posted this thread tells me you already know the answer.

I'll try not to just repeat what everyone has already said, but they're all right. Your family is the one group of people you can depend on to be pulling for you. That's a good thing.

When my girls were in sports I know they worried about what I thought. When they had a bad day and were feeling down I always asked if they had done their very best that day. When they said yes, I'd say congratulations because you did everything you could do to win. My pride in them had nothing to do with winning or losing.

Whoever it was that suggested talking them gave you some good advice. Just tell them how you feel and I'll bet they'll understand your feelings. In the long run I'd tell you to find a way to let them come. When you are grown and have your own family you will know how important these times can be to parents.

You're 16 years old and sophomore in hs. No one except you is expecting perfection, unless you have one of those crazy nazi coaches that we see on tv.

 

[JuniorGolf]

YG:

I'm the same. i have been playing everyday after school for the last 2 months. Playing very consistent and very well.
Comes to last Sunday of course when my dad decides to play along and see hwo i'm going. Turns out i shoot millions! Uncountable. Now, parents, do you get dissapointed when your kid does this or how do you feel?

I don't even know if he believes that I have been playing well at all!!

 

[Augster]

The old golf saying goes,

"A golfer who can't play in front of people won't have to worry about playing in front of people."

It's a mental hangup. You guys just can't see it because you are young. There is no extra pressure to perform better because you are playing in front of relatives. It's all in your head. The guys you are competing against aren't all nervous because your mom or dad is there. They could care less. You should too. Just play your game and let the scores sort themselves out.

IG had it right especially in tourneys. ALL of your competitors want to see you fail. Period. Your relatives don't. It's nice to have at least a few people outside the ropes pulling for you when you know everyone inside is hoping to beat you.

Playing for your parents and relatives is just a mental hangup. If you shoot 110 your dad isn't going to say, "You shot 110, I don't love you anymore." He's going to love you the same regardless of what you shoot. If you shoot 66 he's not going to say, "Wow 66, I love you now. If you had shot 75 I wouldn't have." It's not how it works. When you shoot the 110, it hurts you, and it hurts him. Nobody wants to see their kids frustrated having a bad day. It's not like the actual score means anything to them. It's seeing you pained that hurts them. As long as you don't give up, and try your best every shot, what else can you do really? You will shoot bad scores. It happens. If you shoot 66, he's very happy for you also. You'll be excited as will your relatives. They are excited to see you so excited and happy.

Ah, the rise and fall of watching your kids compete.

 

[Silver]

YG, ignore all these old farts.

The great Canadian (comic), Russel Peters, said it best...as a white kid (presumably), you can just walk up to your parents and "tell them to F*** off!"

That's right, you heard it here first. Silver finally dishing out the good advice, after all these old guys telling you to learn to play with them there and that they love you regardless of how you play.

"White kids just tell their parents to f*** off."

Trust me.

 

[Rockford35]

People watching?

A good head game is worth it's weight in gold. If you're having trouble now with only a few, how are you gonna do down the road?

Have your dad or mom or whatever come watch you hit balls at the range. That way, you'll start to get that "they're staring at me" feel. When I play, I almost never think of who's watching, or what their deal is. Cuz honestly, at the moment you hit that ball, does it make a difference?

It's alot tougher than it sounds, but once you have that fear (i use that term loosely), your game will be at the next level.

Golf is a game that you play against yourself. You are control of every aspect. And there's only one ass to kick at the end of the day. Your own.

R35

 

[Youngun5]

thanks guys, everyone had very insightful advice, and today when noone was there i sucked anyway, so whats the big deal i suppose took an 8 on a par 3 for cryin out loud 89, things are going great here..... but i think things are on their way up, just in time for regionals,
i swear, USA wins our tourney for the week I play regionals gonna break 80 for the first time in a h.s. tourney, i've always had a psychic sense, like calling chip ins or who is going to win a game or something like that, and i call this here and now

 

[Silver]

I see my advice is going unheeded.

Russel Peters will be disappointed.

Rock, you should watch a Russel Peters clip, I know there's one around somewhere on the net, I'll see if I can track it down for you, it's a 45 minute set and it's the funniest damn thing I've ever seen.

 

[Rockford35]

Have you ever seen Eddie Murphy in Delirious?

Now that show was funny when it came to white kids and yelling at their parents. That whole scene when he imitates the white family that he's staying with as a part of "take a black kid from the ghetto and f#ck with his mind" was just gold.

The Dave Chapelle standup that's on Bravo (no, not him, the channel) all the time is just gold too.

I've never even heard of Russel Peters. But i do now....

R35