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The Joke Thread (Again?)

Mors Ab Alto

New Member
Aug 28, 2006
228
0
Alright, I'm sure there has been a golf joke thread on this site before, but since I am fairly new, I can claim ignorance. Here are some that I have accrued over the years. You may know some, and some may suck, but they are what they are. Please contribute if you have any, as having a solid golf joke repetoire sems to be the best way for me to get old guys to invite me to their clubs (well, second best, but I don't swing that way).

The 8-Iron
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

The Wife's Watching
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Emergency Room
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asks.

"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

Golf Game
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing,
takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

A Hazard
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Golf Trouble
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."

She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."

Stung By A Bee
A lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming,
"HELP, HELP! I've been stung by a bee and I'm allergic."

The golf pro responded, "Where?"

The lady answered, "Between the first and second hole!"

The pro stated, "You're stance is too wide."

The Anthill
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.

He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot.

Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived.

One dazed ant said to the other, " What are we going to do?" Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!"

Stevie Wonder & Tiger Woods are in a bar...
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says:
"How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

Mother Nature
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the ***** willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
 
OP
Mors Ab Alto

Mors Ab Alto

New Member
Aug 28, 2006
228
0
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread starter
  • #2
Here's another one. I couldn't include it with the first post, because it would be too long.


Small World

A man and his buddy are playing behind a slow twosome of females, when one accidentally hits into them. He proceeds to go up and apologize, but halfway there he immediately turns around and heads back to his partner. "Dude, what happened?" says the buddy. "Man, that's my wife AND my mistress" says the first guy. "Alright", says the buddy, "I'll go apologize for you, but you owe me." Halfway to the group the buddy turns around and heads back to his partner, and says "Small world, isn't it."
 

WMitch6

Well-Known Member
Jul 24, 2006
483
18
Grandpa, his son and grandson decide to play a round to celebrate Grandpa's 60th birthday. While waiting on the first tee a drop dead gorgeous young blond woman approaches and asks if she can join them. The guys all agree that she'll make a fine addition to their group.

"Just one thing" she says. "I'm a very good golfer and I would appreciate it if you don't offer me any playing advice or swing tips". They all agreed.
By the time they reached the 18th tee, all three of the guys were impressed with her game. She really was very good. Her drive on 18 split the fairway and her approach landed 10' from the pin. When they got to the green they could see that she was faced with a nasty, twisting, downhill putt for birdie.

She looked at the 3 guys and said "I know I asked you not to help, but if I can make this putt I'll break 70 for the first time ever. I'll make a deal. I'll buy dinner for whoever helps me make this putt and afterwords we'll go to my place for drinks and whatever." The grandson opined that she should play the putt for a 2' break and hit it just hard enough to die in the hole. Dad suggested she hit the putt aggressively to take away the break. Grandpa bent down, picked up her ball and handed it to her, saying "Honey, that's a gimme, your car or mine?"
 

FKA19

winter ho'in
May 21, 2006
1,202
0
a man is playing a round with his wife on an expensive course. the man is teeing off on a hole with houses lining the left side. he hooks it way left right through a window in one of the mansions. they come to the house where the broken window is and see a man sitting on a couch with a broken lamp on the ground. the mans immediately starts to appologize saying he'll pay for all damages. the man says no, id like to thank you, im a genie and have been trapped in that lamp for hundreds of years. he then says he has three final wishes to grant and says they can each have one. the man asks for a million dollas every year for the rest of his life. done says the genie. the woman asks for a home in each exotic country in the world, and once again the genie says done. he then says he'd like to have the final wish for himself. he turns to the man and says i'd like to have sex with your wife, i mean its been hundereds of years. the man isnt sure, but after a while says ok since hes giving them all that great stuff. the genie and the mans wife go upstairs and have sex.. after the genie asks the woman how old her husband is. 45 she replies. and he still believes in genies??? says the man
 

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