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THE MOST ANNOYING GOLF PARTNERS

azgreg

"Don't count that."
Supporting Member
Sep 20, 2007
15,483
16,859
Phoenix, AZ
Country
United States United States
THE MOST ANNOYING GOLF PARTNERS
The only thing worse than playing with one of these guys is BEING one of these guys...
UNSOLICITED SWING ADVICE GUY
Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn't ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further. Favourite expression "Wait, try this!"
THE HUMAN RAIN DELAY
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honouring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine. Favourite expression "Put me down for a 10".
CELL PHONE GUY
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the shoulder wedge shot. Favourite expression: "You guys hit. I gotta take this".
THE CART GIRL SCHMOOZER
Defining characteristics: Convinced he's got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead. Favourite expression: "We'll take four beers and one more smile, darlin'".
THE PARKING LOT PRO
Defining characteristics: Colour-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise. Favourite expression: "These are the same shoes Tiger wears".
THE AIR COUNTER
Defining characteristics: Can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail. Favourite expression: "One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker"...
THE FRAT BOY
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking... until the second hole. Favourite expression: "A few beers will loosen up that swing!"
CIGAR GUY
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air - and the ash droppings on his belly. Favourite expression: "Straight from Havana, baby!"
THE SANDBAGGER
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing 'much better' than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro. Favourite expression "I guess it's just one of those days"...
OBLIVIOUS GUY
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his. Favourite expression: "But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?"
BALL RETRIEVER GUY
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s. Favourite expression: "Whoa! A ProV1!"
THE VOLCANO
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake. Favourite expression: "****!!"
DELUSIONAL GUY
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four. Favourite expression: "If I really catch it, I can get there".
MULLIGAN GUY
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable. Favourite expression: "Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another".
THE PLUMB BOBBER
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable. Favourite expression: "Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!"
YARDAGE BOOK GUY
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150. Favourite expression: "I can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6".
THE CHEAT
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds - with a clear shot to the green! Favourite expression: "Better to be lucky than good!"
THE OVERCELEBRATER
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping. Favourite expression: "Yes SIR!"
 

indacup

Well-Known Member
Supporting Member
Jun 1, 2007
1,519
37
Iowa
Wow...as I read your list I could visualize a person who specializes in each category!
 

TheTrueReview

"Playing it straight"
Supporting Member
Jan 8, 2009
8,204
6,042
Country
Australia Australia
I remember Billy Crystal telling a story about a frustrating round with Bill Clinton (the Unsolicited Swing Advice Guy).
 

eclark53520

DB Member Extraordinaire
Supporting Member
Dec 24, 2007
17,521
7,590
South Central Wisconsin
Country
United States United States
I used to be an air counter and sometimes oblivious to where other people hit their ball. Im more of a walker, so cart golf and remembering exactly where other people hit their ball isn't always on my mind.

I don't typically get annoyed with other golfers unless they're excruciatingly slow.

The one person i can't stand golfing with actually has the problem of being annoyed with everything. I get rather tired of hearing about the group in front of us either being too slow, too fast, taking too much time at the beer cart, looking for their ball too long, waiting too long to tee off, too many practice swings, etc etc etc. It never ends.
 

anonymous golfaholic

Refusing Recovery
Supporting Member
Feb 10, 2010
6,519
4,795
Illinois
Country
United States United States
I played with The Volcano yesterday. I can't stand the guy but he was at the course when we got there and he's friends with the guy I came with. The Volcano is embarrassing to play with. Second hole I thought he was going to crack the fender on his cart with his driver all while yelling profanities. The guy is a joke. On the last hole, in route to shooting 32 over, he swung his putter like a driver and hit his ball into his golf cart.

I don't let asshats like that bring me down though. I played great, surprisingly, shot 3 over and I hit two balls OB. It was the first time I had been out in two months. I felt like a kid on Christmas.
 

Dogfish Head

Well-Known Member
Staff member
TEA is my HERO
Apr 8, 2012
1,101
391
Huntsville, AL
Country
United States United States
The Cart Girl Schmoozer

awww.golfdigest.com_images_instruction_2011_12_insl04_annoying.jpg
 

stllefty

Well-Known Member
Dec 30, 2008
100
17
St. Louis Missouri
Country
United States United States
I do have my advice to my fellow players on the first Tee,
I don't care how bad you play ,just be fast about it !! Or in other words - Shut up and suck!!
 

Rick R

Old school curmudgeon
Mar 18, 2014
43
28
Evans City, Pennsylvania
Country
United States United States
I'm sure we've played with or have been most of those guys. One guy who was in our weekly group never played a ball as it lay, he always had to fluff it to a better, higher lie. A guy in our league and within my handicap bracket is legally blind, his wife drives him to the golf course. He asks where the pin is and lays a tee on the turf to point the way, then we all have to watch his ball. I like the guy, but it IS a pain to play in his company. I played in a foursome, once with a couple of doctors, one of whom was on the phone between strokes, doing who knows what. Maybe he was talking someone through surgery while he played. Everyone has traits similar to the numbered ones, but we all need to examine ourselves and be a bit more tolerant or play by ourselves.
 

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