Understanding Engineers

[eclark53520]

Take three is great.


Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the
glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?
We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
keeper.
Let's have a word with him." ..........
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George, say, what's with that group
ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's
a group of blind firefighters lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I
will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys
play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. A few
years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
unsolvable problem they were experiencing with one of their
multi-million dollar machines. They had tried every-thing
and everyone to no avail.
In desperation, they called the retired engineer, who
had solved so many of their problems in the past, begging
him to help them out with this difficult situation.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent
1 day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and stated, "This is where
your problem is."
The defective part was replaced and the machine
worked perfectly to everyone's relief.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the
engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark
- $1.00.
Knowing where to put it - $49,999.00."
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons --
Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six:
Three engineering students were gathered discussing
the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of
electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually, it was a civil
engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through
a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
Normal people believe that: "...if it ain't
broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife
or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
The others: "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and
put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that
I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I
don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog,
now that's cool."

 

[bryguy]

classic.. sent to all my buds here at work who are engineers

 

[Rockford35]

My father in law is the Dean of Engineering at the University, and my two brothers in law are Senior engineers.

Some of this hits way close to the mark.

R35

 

[slickpitt]

lol that's great!

 

[MIKE1218]

Most of those are dead on lol

 

[Dusty90]

being an engineering student I resent some of those... However I wont say that alot of them are not true

 

[mddubya]

being an engineering student I resemble some of those... However I wont say that alot of them are not true

Fixed it for ya! :thumbs up:

 

[MCDavis]

I know/work with many engineers and both FIL's (ex and current) are engineers.

NO QUESTION those are spot on!

 

[JEFF4i]

Having taken quite a few engineering classes, I know these kids!

1,8,9 were my favs.

 

[warbirdlover]

Scary thing is I was thinking all the engineer's answers...

 

[West Coast Duffer]

I work with these guys all day long, scary thing is most think alike.

 

[xamilo]

Hahahahahha these were great!!!!

 

[azgreg]

Engineers Explained
Excerpt from The Dilbert Principle by Scott Adams


People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

 

[LeftyHoges]

Awesome AzGreg, those were great!

I love Scott Adams. Visionary genius!

 

[Adam Pettman]

The funniest post I've read on here in a long time. I'm a computer programmer/scientist student and my friend is studying architecture everything above applies to us completly.