lamebums
300 yards into the woods.
- Jul 4, 2007
- 646
- 4
So, I'm playing nine holes today with my father, and we get onto the fifth hole, a par 3 of ~170 yards over a lake and up a hill. There's cabbage on the right, and a sand trap short-left.
He's not necessarily a fast player, but we're making good time and I'm playing decently well. It's a beautiful day--about 80 degrees with a nice breeze blowing.
Well, until we get to this hole and find eight people in a huge group ahead--well, they were two groups of four, but they were all buddies. By the time we get there, the four guys in the first group are on the green. Predictably, each one of them thinks they're at Augusta. They're plumb-bobbing (incorrectly), they're checking the lines, squatting to see the break...and then blowing the putt completely. I have a hunch that it's going to be a long day, but never did I think the dumbassitery would reach a level I'd never yet seen on a golf course (and I've played on some real goat tracks).
They've got about four sets of clubs between the eight of them, and five carts.
Without warning, a guy from the second group tees off while the first group is still on the green, landing his ball within inches of a guy on the green. "Hey!" is responded with "He told me to hit!".
He immediately hares off in his cart up to the green as the first group is leaving and begins putting. As he does though, another guy tees off and sends a dribbler down the cart path, chasing the cart until it eventually bounces off to the right. The third guy dunks one in the lake after topping what appeared to be a wedge (wedge from 170? Right...) First guy gets up by the green while the second guy has reached his ball...takes a mighty swipe and sends the ball 90 degrees to the right into the cabbage.
Meanwhile, the first guy, who I'm horrified to learn he parked his cart on the ladies tee has now parked his cart on the fringe. He then tries to putt with his wedge while on the green, bringing up a divot in the process. I had it--I called the clubhouse and got the ranger out there. And the hell if I know whatever happened to the other two guys, because I'm now focused on the first group, at least one of which is hitting a yellow range ball, and three of which have come up short of the ladies tee on their drives. We play the hole pretty quickly, and as we come to the sixth tee (the 8 guys are now down the hole, four of them have reached the fairway, the other four are camping out by the portajohn about 100 yards from the tee) the ranger shows up and gives them the lecture about golf etiquette and allowing faster people through.
15 minutes later, my father and I both are finally ready to hit our approach shots to this par 5 (our third, in both cases--as usual he was in the fairway and I off God knows where in the rough, and I had to punch out sideways). Again, there's one guy who appears out of nowhere and takes five minutes to make three putts. We had it--as soon as it appeared the guy was about to get in his cart, I fired away. Predictably I hit the ball within inches of him ("Fore!") and actually the ball off his cart. As he drives away, my father also nearly takes out the poor guy.
At least in both cases we yelled "Fore!", a favor that was not returned when we played through the second group (the one in the rear). We both tee off on the seventh (I pull-hook into the trees, he's in the fairway again...) and get on down the hole, and the gys behind immediately begin teeing off. None of their balls ever got close, but we were certainly in range as they were swinging away. I still can't figure out how two of the guys somehow ended up 40 yards from the tee, but 60 off to the right, now facing a shot across two ponds (they each dunked a ball into the water). A third ball comes within 20 feet of us, and with the first four guys still on the green, I can't figure out how we got in the middle of the pack of rumdums.
One of the guys (the guy we almost took out twice) comes up to us and says "They haven't learned how to say 'Fore' yet".
Geez.
After another five minutes of waiting, the first group let us play through, on the eighth tee.
That wasn't the last of them--as we hit our second shots on the 9th (which for 200 yards parallels the 8th before dog legging left) one of the guys comes over into our fairway looking for his ball with a beer in his hand but no club. When he did find his ball, he called for his buddy to come over with the cart so he could get a club.
I just had to crack up. But seriously, I'm thinking a basic test of golf etiquette is sounding like a better and better idea.
And I still somehow managed a 44 for 9 holes today.
He's not necessarily a fast player, but we're making good time and I'm playing decently well. It's a beautiful day--about 80 degrees with a nice breeze blowing.
Well, until we get to this hole and find eight people in a huge group ahead--well, they were two groups of four, but they were all buddies. By the time we get there, the four guys in the first group are on the green. Predictably, each one of them thinks they're at Augusta. They're plumb-bobbing (incorrectly), they're checking the lines, squatting to see the break...and then blowing the putt completely. I have a hunch that it's going to be a long day, but never did I think the dumbassitery would reach a level I'd never yet seen on a golf course (and I've played on some real goat tracks).
They've got about four sets of clubs between the eight of them, and five carts.
Without warning, a guy from the second group tees off while the first group is still on the green, landing his ball within inches of a guy on the green. "Hey!" is responded with "He told me to hit!".
He immediately hares off in his cart up to the green as the first group is leaving and begins putting. As he does though, another guy tees off and sends a dribbler down the cart path, chasing the cart until it eventually bounces off to the right. The third guy dunks one in the lake after topping what appeared to be a wedge (wedge from 170? Right...) First guy gets up by the green while the second guy has reached his ball...takes a mighty swipe and sends the ball 90 degrees to the right into the cabbage.
Meanwhile, the first guy, who I'm horrified to learn he parked his cart on the ladies tee has now parked his cart on the fringe. He then tries to putt with his wedge while on the green, bringing up a divot in the process. I had it--I called the clubhouse and got the ranger out there. And the hell if I know whatever happened to the other two guys, because I'm now focused on the first group, at least one of which is hitting a yellow range ball, and three of which have come up short of the ladies tee on their drives. We play the hole pretty quickly, and as we come to the sixth tee (the 8 guys are now down the hole, four of them have reached the fairway, the other four are camping out by the portajohn about 100 yards from the tee) the ranger shows up and gives them the lecture about golf etiquette and allowing faster people through.
15 minutes later, my father and I both are finally ready to hit our approach shots to this par 5 (our third, in both cases--as usual he was in the fairway and I off God knows where in the rough, and I had to punch out sideways). Again, there's one guy who appears out of nowhere and takes five minutes to make three putts. We had it--as soon as it appeared the guy was about to get in his cart, I fired away. Predictably I hit the ball within inches of him ("Fore!") and actually the ball off his cart. As he drives away, my father also nearly takes out the poor guy.
At least in both cases we yelled "Fore!", a favor that was not returned when we played through the second group (the one in the rear). We both tee off on the seventh (I pull-hook into the trees, he's in the fairway again...) and get on down the hole, and the gys behind immediately begin teeing off. None of their balls ever got close, but we were certainly in range as they were swinging away. I still can't figure out how two of the guys somehow ended up 40 yards from the tee, but 60 off to the right, now facing a shot across two ponds (they each dunked a ball into the water). A third ball comes within 20 feet of us, and with the first four guys still on the green, I can't figure out how we got in the middle of the pack of rumdums.
One of the guys (the guy we almost took out twice) comes up to us and says "They haven't learned how to say 'Fore' yet".
Geez.
After another five minutes of waiting, the first group let us play through, on the eighth tee.
That wasn't the last of them--as we hit our second shots on the 9th (which for 200 yards parallels the 8th before dog legging left) one of the guys comes over into our fairway looking for his ball with a beer in his hand but no club. When he did find his ball, he called for his buddy to come over with the cart so he could get a club.
I just had to crack up. But seriously, I'm thinking a basic test of golf etiquette is sounding like a better and better idea.
And I still somehow managed a 44 for 9 holes today.
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