Marriage.

[Eracer]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

************************************************

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

*****************************************

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

*****************************************

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

*****************************************

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

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Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[MIKE1218]

Girls outsmart me like that all the time.

 

[ClairefromClare]

I'm crushed--Eracer starts a thread called, "marriage," and I don't get a diamond? :emot-ange

 

[xamilo]

I was expecting to hear some really odd news like someone getting married, but I still had a good laugh at some of the jokes...

 

[twogreen]

Rye Bread Revalation

Two older guys are talking over coffee one morning. One of them starts discussing his sexual prowess and recent conquests. The other says, "How in the world can you still do all that at age eighty four"? The first guy says, "The secret is all contained in rye bread. I guarantee if you eat enough of it, it will do the same thing for you."

Later, the second guy goes into a bakery and tells the owner he wants 5 loaves of rye bread. The owner says, "Are you sure you want five? By the time you get to the fifth loaf, it's gonna get hard."

The guy says, "Dammit, why am I the last person in the world to find out about this?"