Horseback riding should come with explicit warning messages!

[IrishGolfer]

So anyway I am back off a few weeks holiday in Dublin, Belfast and Portstewart. One of the days I spent with the family horseback riding!

Good idea, right? Kids would love it. So we booked a 1/2 day up at a riding school in Castlerock. Sunny day, impressive looking animals. Kids all excited.

Well imo this sort of thing should come with explicit warning messages for male novices. That was my first time ever on a horse. Everything was great until the bastard (aka Duke) started galloping. I swear my bollix were being pounded like a butcher softening the toughest steaks!

You know that comedy sketch in cartoons where the guy is getting punched in the face like a boxer with his speedball. Well gentlemen that was only a glimpse of how this felt. My teeth were clenched and my eyes closed as I kept bouncing up and down on the saddle in agony. I'm sure there is a technique associated with this developed for men to protect themselves or wear appropriate padding. And of course it's not like I can say anything or get down off the horse and walk. Total loss of face in front of family and the instructor!!

The instructor was an old guy. I'm sure he's used to male horse virgins getting their sack mangled. I'm sure I caught him sniggering a few times. I'm also fairly sure Duke knew exacly what was going on. The bastard. He was like this big old Clydesdale dude and I'm sure he has done that route 1000s of times. Laughingly I thought I had control of him, turning left, right etc. But the old geezer sorta just kept command. I was like a sack of shit on his back.

Anyway my wife and kids thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Certainly moreso than my bollix! I was walking like John Wayne for days. I also got to see just how big a horse's pecker is! Duke was appropriately named. Lethal weapon, frightening!!!

Best laugh of the day though was my 3 year old laughing hysterically at Duke having a piss. It was like a 911 call fireman's hose!!

:horse:

I knew there was a reason for this smilie!

 

[Loop]

lol !
You need to soften the landing with the thighs. Requires a bit of exercice and male ego suffering before you get the hang of it, well from what my friends says
There's still the option of castrating, in which case, don't forget to put aside a reserve for later.

PS: I've done horse riding only once. Very enjoyable, but they made me clean the horsey afterwards...

 

[SiberianDVM]

Ha! I did a lot of riding when I was younger. As Loop said, you have to learn to use your thigh muscles to absorb the shock.

I mostly rode with an English jumping saddle, as jumping was my favorite horsey event. Once though, I was riding my horse with a Western saddle, which has a large protuberance on the front to attach a rope. Sure enough, my horse remembered jumping the week before, and went over a 3 footer before I could stop him. That saddle horn caught me right in the wrong place. Egads, there is no way to adequately describe the pain, you have to experience it.

Your horse was a gelding, and he was simply trying to share the experience with you.

 

[Bravo]

There's something about horses and their innate ability to know whether you are experienced or not. Almost from the moment you swing up into the saddle, they can tell if you Have Control or don't.

And if they sense you don't - they will take advantage of it Every Time. It's like sport with them.

I was lucky enough to learn how to ride horses at camp as a child (and my daughter has spent one month per year at camp for the past five years). A very wise old campowner/horseman taught me about a horse's innate sense of his rider's experience or lack thereof.

One of the greatest things about being able to ride a horse well is the utter exhileration of galloping across an open field on a beautiful day. About three years ago, I took the wife and daughter to Western Montana for a five day trip to stay with a friend who is literally the son of a son of a cowboy. Although he works in real estate now - honest to God - he still does cattle drives from time to time.

He has a small ten acre spread outside Missoula. He has four horses and a barn. Two of his horses were wild mustangs that he got free from the United States Bureau of Land Management, which oversees and maintains millions of acres of federally owned land.

Some of this land has wild horses on it and - sadly - the BLM will euthanize the horses if they cannot find a home for them - much like the Humane Society/Animal Shelter does with dogs and cats. They could - of course - let the horses live on the land for all of their natural lives like they did for thousands of years - but NO this is Government and their job is to screw things up. So once they capture these wild horses, and make some sort of effort to find them an owner - if they fail, its off to the glue factory for them....

You can imagine that taming a wild mustang is extremely difficult. Many horse trainers attempt it and fail. After all this may be a five year old animal who has never had a bit in its mouth, or saddle on its back.

And they know one speed - flat out.

We go to Missoula on vacation and he puts my wife and daughter on his 'domesticated' horses which are docile and obediant.

He puts himself and me on the mustangs.

Wisely, the first time he put all of us on the horses was in his corral and he warned me about my horse and explained his background. He felt like a regular horse when I mounted him in the corral and our relationship was very typical...he knew who was boss.

So we trailer the horses and take them up to about 5000 feet, to the high meadows which lead up to rocky mountain trails.

I mount him and everything is just the same...he senses I have control. We walk together as a group, four people on four horses for a couple of miles.

We are in a meadow and I decide to canter him just a bit.

I gave the horse the very very very tiniest of my boot heels and found myself traveling 35 miles per hour in about four seconds! He loved to run!! I was on the edge of control but loved it...

The key to protecting the family jewels on a horse, is to get your body in synch with the movement of the saddle..

 

[DaveE]

The key to protecting the family jewels on a horse, is to get your body in synch with the movement of the saddle..

One of my clients just got back from a 7 day fishing trip in Montana that included 28 hours of horseback riding. As he was telling me about the trip I couldn't help but notice that he knew exactly how many hours he had been on the back of a horse.

But he says it's ok cause he can sit again now.

 

[SiberianDVM]

The key to protecting the family jewels on a horse, is to get your body in synch with the movement of the saddle..

That, and you can also use a leather nut protector like Scott Glenn did in "Urban Cowboy".

 

[IrishGolfer]

That, and you can also use a leather nut protector like Scott Glenn did in "Urban Cowboy".

You see, that's the gizmo I needed! I'm guessing it's like a chastity belt for horsemen?
And I'm laughing at Bravo's comments on who was in control. That bastard Duke certainly was in my little sojourn.

 

[Bravo]

You see, that's the gizmo I needed! I'm guessing it's like a chastity belt for horsemen?
And I'm laughing at Bravo's comments on who was in control. That bastard Duke certainly was in my little sojourn.

I was lucky that mine Would respond to a sharp backward snap of the bit...

The other thing about this trip that was so interesting was the fact that the guy would let his horses out of the barn/corral and they would roam his property. All ten acres were fenced.

We would sit outside and eat at a large table...and the horses would come right up to us and graze while we ate. ANd of course if you had a carrot or something else they would gladly take it. I kept on telling him that these were not like horses but 1000 pound dogs...so docile - even the two wild ones..

 

[DaveE]

We would sit outside and eat at a large table...and the horses would come right up to us and graze while we ate. ANd of course if you had a carrot or something else they would gladly take it.

I have a deer that'll do that but I'm not climbing on her back. Ima stick to golf.

 

[spankdoggie]

There's something about horses and their innate ability to know whether you are experienced or not. Almost from the moment you swing up into the saddle, they can tell if you Have Control or don't.

And if they sense you don't - they will take advantage of it Every Time. It's like sport with them.

I was lucky enough to learn how to ride horses at camp as a child (and my daughter has spent one month per year at camp for the past five years). A very wise old campowner/horseman taught me about a horse's innate sense of his rider's experience or lack thereof.

One of the greatest things about being able to ride a horse well is the utter exhileration of galloping across an open field on a beautiful day. About three years ago, I took the wife and daughter to Western Montana for a five day trip to stay with a friend who is literally the son of a son of a cowboy. Although he works in real estate now - honest to God - he still does cattle drives from time to time.

He has a small ten acre spread outside Missoula. He has four horses and a barn. Two of his horses were wild mustangs that he got free from the United States Bureau of Land Management, which oversees and maintains millions of acres of federally owned land.

Some of this land has wild horses on it and - sadly - the BLM will euthanize the horses if they cannot find a home for them - much like the Humane Society/Animal Shelter does with dogs and cats. They could - of course - let the horses live on the land for all of their natural lives like they did for thousands of years - but NO this is Government and their job is to screw things up. So once they capture these wild horses, and make some sort of effort to find them an owner - if they fail, its off to the glue factory for them....

You can imagine that taming a wild mustang is extremely difficult. Many horse trainers attempt it and fail. After all this may be a five year old animal who has never had a bit in its mouth, or saddle on its back.

And they know one speed - flat out.

We go to Missoula on vacation and he puts my wife and daughter on his 'domesticated' horses which are docile and obediant.

He puts himself and me on the mustangs.

Wisely, the first time he put all of us on the horses was in his corral and he warned me about my horse and explained his background. He felt like a regular horse when I mounted him in the corral and our relationship was very typical...he knew who was boss.

So we trailer the horses and take them up to about 5000 feet, to the high meadows which lead up to rocky mountain trails.

I mount him and everything is just the same...he senses I have control. We walk together as a group, four people on four horses for a couple of miles.

We are in a meadow and I decide to canter him just a bit.

I gave the horse the very very very tiniest of my boot heels and found myself traveling 35 miles per hour in about four seconds! He loved to run!! I was on the edge of control but loved it...

The key to protecting the family jewels on a horse, is to get your body in synch with the movement of the saddle..

Post of the year.

 

[Dorkman53]

I think having a birthday or two can add to the equestrian pain factor. A couple of years ago we thought a couple of our young nieces would enjoy a horseback ride in one of our national parks. We just took the short 2 hour ride, but my posterior was sore for days afterwards.

 

[Kilted Arab]

Irish, you have my deepest sympathy and fullest understanding.

The first overseas holiday I had with the future Mrs Arab was to the Dominican Republic. Being a posh bint, Mrs Arab was keen to do the 1/2 day horseriding that was on offer. Keen to impress Mrs Arab, I agreed on the adventure.

I spent the entire morning swearing at the beast I was given. I believe to this day the creature still thinks his name is "youfeckingb'stard".

I hate horses. The French have the right idea. Eat them or feed them to dogs.